a NeW cHaPteR oF mY liFe... a NeW bEgInNinG tO sTarT w|tH!

2009-04-28T23:47:00.002+08:00

We went on our own ways a few months back; in the hope that we shall forget each other. Life was miserable but we managed to get by. The only times we kept in touch was through our birthdays' wishes. Everything was fine till somehow you came back.

It just took a minute to spoil the whole effort that we had put in for almost half a year.

And now, I think I am beginning to fall for you all over again. But I know, it's impossible.

Are you daring enough to make the impossible, possible? And, all you need to do is to ask, and I'll gladly agree.

Be quick before it's too late.

2009-03-24T22:01:00.002+08:00

This time, the separation is for good. His absence doesn't bring any emotional uproar despite it had been days now. I am feeling numb. Issit because of the busy week that I had no time to think about it or issit just that the feelings have just died? I am not sure and I don't wish to elaborate further. I just wished him all the best and though he had left me with some fond memories, I do have a tinge of regret. Like the other men in my life, he too have caused disappointment for me. Haiz..

For now, I am happy to lead my life as it is. All I need is the strength to hold on till this Friday. Next week, will be a different story and hopefully by then, I will be only 1 obs left. The last obs by the NSC, insya'allah. I have one combined observations tomorrow. All I pray for is to clear it well and that my dearest laptop won't die on me like today. Really, dearest laptop.. you've been the most precious thing ever in my life. Despite your cranky behaviour at times, you've and will always be my 'other half'. For without you, I won't be able to live. You've seen my darkest moments, you've shared my secrets with that person, you've worked hard;OT-ing with me as I churned out my assignments after assignments and many other things that I have done, you've constantly be with me. Even if I do get a new laptop, I will still love you so. I do not wish to part with you just yet. I still want you to be my other half for as long as possible.

So my dearest laptop, please I beg you. Work with me tomorrow as I conduct my class. Do me proud, with your pink skin and beautiful aura, you'll still be my other half! I love you laptop. Let's us work on my essay now with your company for the night. Love you lappy!

2009-03-20T00:22:00.002+08:00

Am I being sensitive? Tell me that I am wrong. But my intuitions never fail me. I believe in what I saw and I believe in the changes that have happened. Tell me where my mistakes lie. Was it because, the time taken had been way too long. Or the heavy workload have drifted us apart?

I don't know. Probably this is just the time that I should actually forget you for good. And I think all guys are the same. They give you empty promises. They give you the kind of happiness where it was gone when you're just about to enjoy it. Now tell me, how can I ever trust any more man?

I am disappointed and hurt. Oh just get out of my life before I starts planting the seed of hate.

2009-03-17T02:45:00.002+08:00

It started with just an innocent question. And, the answer I received was the last thing I wanted to hear. But nonetheless, with him married.. there goes my last 1979 babies who's born on the 5th day of a month. Congrats, partner.

You've been my sweetest partner since our paths crossed in 2002. You've been there for me during the start of my NIE days and I was there for you during your final days at NUS. Now, everything seemed to have come to an end. And, I spelt it out clearly to you. Yet, you mentioned that there wasn't any clause in our contract that says "permanent separation" upon marriage. Haha.. So yes, we shall continue this partnership then.

And, thank you for volunteering to help/pitch in over my (fill in the blanks). I will be waiting for your inputs and please.. do not disappoint me. thank you.

2009-03-09T20:13:00.002+08:00

It had been quite a while since I last updated this humble blog of mine. The blog that somewhat should share a part of me. Somehow, due to practicum, this blog had been slowly ignored. Indeed, practicum have drained all that available energy that is left in me.

What I thought would have been a breeze doesn't turn out that way. The first sign of trouble was when I was told of taking two lower primary classes for this Practicum. But, I was cool about that. Somehow, when Practicum proper starts, I realised that I was to take 4 levels; make it all 6 if NIE allows trainees to teach the P1 and P6 levels. That is how my CT defined "variations".

Apart from that, on the first day of school, I realised that I was without a main CT cos she was hospitalised for a slipped disc. Oh, how cool was that? And right now, after going into week 3 of Practicum, she's still on MC. But I am embracing that freedom cos right now, I've too much on my hands already. Right from Day 1, I was working on 100 odds of LPs. Just imagine, how draining that could be?!

It was only towards the end of the week when one of my lecturer found out and she told me to talk to my SCM and my NSC. But, I did not cos I do not want to be portrayed as one who can't take hardships/loves to complain. So, despite the heartbreaking moments, I took everything on my stride. In the end, I was on 3 days MC but I was still in school!

Miraculously, when my NSC came to school for her courtesy call, the time-table was revamped. So right now, I am left with 2 levels and all that LPs done are wasted! But these two levels are my toughtest ever. Last Friday, one of the level has just screwd up my observations! Tomorrow and Thursday, I will be having 2 more observations with that class again!

Tell me how do I go on....? I am thankful that I had someone to talk to for this tough phase of my life. But somehow.. I think things are beginning to change. Or probably, I am just too sensitive.

Now tell me, do I have another video shoot tomorrow? Bleargh!

2009-02-28T00:34:00.002+08:00

I guess its too late to realise the mistakes... too much time and effort had been wasted. But probably, it's better too late than never. Somehow... everything's had been settled. Somehow... I had managed to open up my mouth and let my feelings known. I really had a good talk with Her Royal Highness earlier on. And, I had been ordered by Her Royal Highness to go home and not work late everyday. For the concerns showered upon me, I am thankful to have Her Royal Highness. But then again, I am her pet. lols!

Who is my "Her Royal Highness"? Do make a guess.. That term just came to me this afternoon. Haha..

2009-02-26T21:55:00.002+08:00

Today, I left school at 6 pm! Not because there was contact time..but because, I had so much to do! I didn't even have time to clear my work station. Maybe, I should just spend the night in school.. just like how I used to attend Netball camps there when I was younger! Haha.. Ever since Day 1 of TP, I had not been leaving school at 2.30. Not that I do not wish too.. but because I had no choice but to do so...

I have been advised to seek advice from the SCM and NSC for the workload that I've been given. But I know the outcome, not that it wouldn't be heard but it is better not to be heard. Cos I know the people too well. Let's just hope I can hold on till 8th May...

100 LPs are ready. Time to get on with the resources.... really need to do a major-major Art & Craft work.. will I be able to survive? The heavy rains have not been helping.. The nose, and body has been acting up... haiz... let's just pray that I'll survive(insya'allah).

2009-02-24T18:44:00.002+08:00

I am really miserable.. really am. Only Day 2 of TP, and I am getting crazy. Dahlah nasib bagaikan "anak luar nikah ditinggalkan di luar chapel".. Pastu dikutip dan "didera" bagaikan si Cinderella. Wadahell of the hell...!

I won't say much here. Cos I am just venting my anger and frustrations. And what makes me sane is your support and encouragements, Atie (plus jokes cekik darah smlm...) and also that other person. Thank you for helping.

Now... I am thinking again... do I really want to be there for permanent posting? Unless... (fill in the blanks)

Ooh well, why am I turning pessimistic? And when will I be able to start on the last piece of assignment? It won't be completed at this rate.. just a suggestion... asal tak nak buat class on Saturday sekali? Biar semua aku ajar. 12 hours shift mcm banglas kat construction site sebelah building kita. Pastu, boleh gi Tekka makan tosei! pfft!!

Sorry.. I am sarcastic.

2009-02-19T00:38:00.002+08:00

I feel like crying right now... Don't ask me why. I am trying my best to control the tears from flowing freely. Cos I know, once it flows, I will never forgive that person for hurting me. Just wondering and thinking.... if it's worth all these pains just for that person who doesn't know how to appreciate? Letting go of this dream... oh well, some things are just never meant to be. If you need to go, go forever and never come back. Thank u.

2009-02-13T11:36:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, the truth hurts. Sometimes, the truth makes you feel better. And sometimes, after knowing the truth, you felt bad cos you realised you've misunderstood the whole story.

Yes, this is what has been happening to me right now. I am affected by some things that had been going on for quite a while now. I want to let it go, but I am not sure if I can. Should I be selfish and hold on to it? Or should I let it go and makes both parties suffer like I normally do? Both ways, I will be hurt. So which is the best way?

Usually, I will just let go and run away from it. But after what happened between me and the boy best friend (bbf), I guess I should stop running away from the current problem. Really, I should. But how do I go about doing it?

I know I have not been focussing in my work. I know I have been day dreaming alot. I know I have been living in my own world for the whole week already. And I've not been motivated to do much things. I knew I have changed ever since knowing that person. For the worst. I have another 10 weeks to battle. I hope I can go through Practicum without much worries. I hope I can settle this unnecessary distractions. Insya'allah I will.

2009-02-09T22:21:00.002+08:00

Seriously, I shouldn't be blogging right now. I have better things to do. Or rather, more important things to do. For instance, start on my Essay writing which is due in a couple of days' time or SLEEP. But oh well, the procrastinating demon, is still intact in my body. And so, here I am blogging my time away.

So, many things have happened for the past few weeks. I am disturbed by it. Unfortunately, all these ongoings are just too personal that it can't be divulge in either my FB Notes or in blogspot. All I can say or question is, "Why is Fate playing this kind of cruel joke on me?"

I've had enough. Let's stop playing this game. If you know me well enough, you would know that I am likely to give in even though it might not be to my advantage. And you know my principles too. So again, I shall posed this question, " So, what now?"

2009-02-08T03:51:00.001+08:00

My question is, "So, now what?"

2009-02-02T23:06:00.002+08:00

So many things have happened in the last couple of weeks. One of the highlights of those happenings was me being sick and still sick at this moment. Physically, I am sick. But emotionally and mentally, I am sick too. To be precise, I am sick of school. Yes, with all the shits that are going on... I've lost my motivation to go to school. By far, this has been the slackest semester in my two years in school but this is also the most "conflicts" semester as well.

Large cohort, is equivalent to thousand and ones of problems. I've seen it, gone through it and many more. I've heard alot, read alot and seen alot about some people in my cohort. But, I chose to ignore it. Even if there's a need to talk about it, I'll just bitch about it within my circle of friends and that's it. I mean, I am no perfect being myself. Afterall, I am a human who do err at times.

So right now, there is an issue going around. Yes, I heard it. I read it. But, I decide not to get involve with it. Afterall, its the final year. Its the final semester. Just want to get out of school trouble free and lead my own life. What's there to bother about all this minor stuff blown out of proportion?

In life, we are prone to meet people who have bad attitude, bad personality and whats not. We simply can't please everyone. And, I do salute people who can get along with everyone. But, I guess, we just got to live with it. If we dun like anyone for that matter, just walk away and ignore them. Dun step on their toes and dun let them step on ur toes. As simple as that. Otherwise, learn to know them. Cos, sometimes.. we dun really know a person yet we are ready to just them just by impressions. I've done this quite a lot. But once I start to know them, I realise.. yes, the world is a better place if we could practice some tolerance. Only if...

And why am I blabbering about all this cliche sayings of life....? Ooh well... just trying to make myself feel better cos I am really tired with what's have been happening. I want to get out of school ASAP!

2009-01-28T00:48:00.002+08:00

3 months and 3 days are all that was needed till I say, "I am calling it quits".

I had spend a few days contemplating before I penned it down. And now, I've decided. There is no turning back. Forgive me, if I had sin. Thank you for all those memories.

2009-01-25T22:18:00.002+08:00

I've never been sick for so long before. It all started with the mild flu I had on Wednesday night with some slight shivers. I woke up on Thursday morning with a heavy head; effect of chloramine consumption. I went out for a while after school to get some errands done and yes, believe it or not, I lost my way! Another effect of choloramine, I should say.

I went home and slept all the way till before mahgrib. I was still feeling drowsy that night. And, I remembered I slept again shortly. On Friday, I woke up at 10 am. Had my shower and I was asleep again till evening. The same thing happened again on Saturday and till this evening.

As a result, I had to disappoint i2 and missed her b'day BBQ, which we had looked forward too. Sorry, babe... I will make up to u next week, ok? Hope you had fun.

Right now. I am sleepy again. My body is aching. And I am so going to sleep again. Just popping by the virtual world on my bed to see the ongoings.

2009-01-22T22:23:00.004+08:00

I've updated one entry a while ago on my FB notes. But I think, thanks to the drowsiness, I've missed out some points here and there. Let me just make some ammendments here though I am nursing a migraine as well as shivering; think I am going to be down with a high fever soon. urgh.

Ayte, some days back.. I did mentioned about being unmotivated on one of my FB notes' entry. I was wondering why.. probably, I am just so sick of school; simply put. I am not hating/disliking anyone in particular. However, there are certain groups of people whom do not share my frequency. That's their problem cos to fight it out, I am over and done with teens' angst. Ooh c'mon, I am already a youth!

Over the years, I have learnt to tolerate and live life as it is. I have learn to see life in a different perspective. And probably because of that, I've mellowed; no longer the person who's vocal 24/7(vast difference from HSS n JI days). Cos, I've came to realise that, no matter how much we let go of our frustrations, but when things remained the same, we get angry with ourselves and pulled a long face. Like, c'mon.. the economy is already so bleak, there's no need for us to add more darkness to uncertainties. And, when you have no mood to do things, productivity rate declines and the cycle continues.

Yes back to the topic at hand, I just want to say that, nobody's perfect. Everyone will need to go through some difficulties in their life at one point of time. We may get unhappy when others sucked up to the higher ups just to climb their way to the top. But, have we ever wonder to ourselves, don't we all experience such behaviour ourselves? Even if it's not for the sake of glory and pride, we suck up to others just to get into their good books. Isn't it? Tell me, who can admit that they never do such a thing before? For me, even I do not condone to the 'sucking up' attitude, however I knew at least once in my life, I would have done such a thing without me realising it. So yes, if others want to do it, so be it. We can't stop them but it can motivate myself to prove my worth using my own effort.

Human beings tend to forget. Often, we let little success into our head. We've forgotten that all that we have in this world are God's gift. A gift that ought to be shared with others. A gift that is given as a loan to bring joy and happiness into others' life. Not for self-consumption alone. Not for selfish bargains. It is because of this 'amnesiac' attitude that the world is in a big mess. Economic crisis (people spends as if there's no tomorrow, loans here and there...) and wars (they've forgotten that they are not the most powerful just because they have the most up to date weapons; God is more powerful) are enough to ruin everyone's life. But, have we realise our mistakes?! Sadly, no.

And so, I rest my case again. Life is all about tolerance, compromise, patience and remembering where our roots are. Only we are responsible for our own life and attitude. No one else can change you if you refuse to change yourself. Each and everyone of us are bestowed with our individual talents, strengths and weaknesses. Let's just exploit our talents and strengths while working out/discovering our flaws. Hopefully, only then can we all lead a beautiful life. *smiles*

2009-01-16T12:42:00.002+08:00

Alright, I've not been updating this blog of mine. For one simple reason, I've been blogging on my Fb acct now.

Life has been normal. School has started. Week 2 has ended and come next week, it will be week 3. So far, apart from the dreaded Jawi test, school has been slack. I wonder why the lecturers refused to give us our assignments now?? At least, we wouldn't be rushing our arse off when Practicum approaches.

Yesterday, had the Jawi test. I was worried and freaked out. I had this premonition that I would have a mental block. Yes, I did somewhere between the test. But, yes.. I didn't expect to score such high marks for the spelling test nor a full marks for the reading. Well, I am thankful for that. They said, you reap what you sow, right??

After school, I was groggy cos of the yellow pill, I had the night before. But I got to go down to TA's HQ to collect my dearest Kaya's e-ticket. And so I went. I had an unpleasant encounter with the maplek who served me but the GM of TA really made my day. Not only that he reprimanded that maplek, but also apologised to me. That's service quality, I must say.

When I got home, I took a short rest before resuming my role in the kitchen to help my mum with the festive order. I managed to roll the popiahs and the pineapple tarts. 600 odd pieces in less than 3 hours. Achievements! I was so happy cos, I managed to do so many things in one day. But of course, I was knocked out by 12-ish for the first time! And I had a long sleep.

I am helping my mum again in a while. I guess I am meeting the target. And, I can't wait to next week! I've got two dates!! Yes, two dates with the very people whom I've not seen for a long long time!! Exciting times ahead!! Now, I am thankful that the assignments are yet to be thrown directly at my face! haha..

Moving on to the topic of love, I think I've found someone who's a contrast to the ex-. This person is caring and sweet. But, I am not in love with him yet cos the heart is closed. All I can say is, I enjoyed his presence. And, if this is a start to yet another platonic friendship, I would welcome it with an open heart. *smiles*

2009-01-07T22:12:00.003+08:00

I've been having mood swings lately. There are times that I get easily lethargic which in turn leads to frustrations. Urgh! Hate this kind of moods.

At this point in time, I am still being very emotional I reckoned. I am hating myself for getting myself into this mess. What the hell am I thinking when I made this decision?

It had been almost closed to 3 months. And, I do not want to go through the same old cycle again. And, I am telling myself that if, this thing is bringing me to nowhere, I am letting it go before its too late. But the question now is, 'HOW'?

I am so close of going back to the way I lead my life in 2001 till about end 2004. Seriously, I am wondering... can I actually lead a normal life like any other normal human being?

2009-01-06T22:14:00.002+08:00

It had been a while since I last wrote an entry. Well, been a lil' busy with school resuming about a couple of days back. Or rather, been busy adjusting my body clock. Yes, I am still sleeping at 1-2 am depending on school's time table. And yes, it's like only 3-4 hours sleep daily.

Despite the fact that there are only two modules in this semester, the modules that I am going through is hell of tough especially the Jawi part. Hate it so much. Hate it very much.

On top of that I am juggling something at the same time. I am not supposed to be involved in this and yes, slowly but surely I am jumping into the bandwagon. And, I know this involvement is keeping me out of focus for a while. I will get it over and done with pretty soon. haiz...

2009-01-01T23:42:00.004+08:00

This morning, I had a weird dream. It's looked scary and I am not ready for it. Is that just a dream or a premonition of some sort?

2009, I am really NOT ready for you!

2008-12-31T22:56:00.005+08:00

The video clip is still playing on my head. Touching like hell! Is this what they call telepathy shared between us?? Here I am, trying to keep that song in my head; blasting it on my iTunes and iPhone, there you're, recording it, strumming your guitar and let the vocal chords come to play.

I was so touch to watch you do that video cos I guess only the both of us could relate to that song. Here I am, hoping that the day would never come and there you are reflecting what it's gonna be like if you had done otherwise.

Well, I just need to say this to the both of us. We can't deny the fact that we're plainly cowards in revealing our feelings for each other. Things wouldn't be this crappy if we had not let the matter drag till now. All I need to say, opportunities wasn't on our side. And, yes.. I came back into your life a tad too late. Ooh well.

I've spend the last few days reflecting on our friendship. To hate you, no.. it was never your fault. If it was your fault, I need to shoulder some blame too. To love you, I don't think I do have that special feelings for you anymore. Probably, it's that unique feelings that we had forged during the last 8 years that I find hard to let go.

However, I had spent some time pondering over our friendship. I am now letting you go with full sincerity and blessings. Go and search for your happiness. Perhaps, God has better plans for us. So what if you and I end up together in a relationship/marriage? Will it brings us permanent happiness and togetherness? Well, maybe. But at least in this current status that we are in, you'll always be that someone whom I refer to as 'best friend' and you'll be the one that I'll run up to whenever I am bogged down with emotionals breakdowns. Cos I know, you'll never say 'No' to me.

Yes bestfriend, I am really letting you go together with all the regrets we've had. You have my blessings, honestly. I want to see you be a happy man. And yes, our memories together are safely etched in my head. It will never go. And if I ever miss you, I will just listen to our song.

2008-12-27T23:54:00.002+08:00

I met up with the ladies today, after a long long time of waiting. Yeah, it was all my fault. I was too busy to squeeze in time for this meet up. So we met today and walk all over town. I suggested that we walked to Bugis from Lucky Plaza, but they ignored my suggestion! But, they did walked till McDonald's House. Lols.

They are grilling me on who the mystery man is. For goodness sake, please hokay! Your guess is wrong. So wrong!!!!! It's not him la! And anyway, the mystery man is going away again for a while. So, yes I believed this is another round of long distance relationship destined for me.

And, as mentioned earlier, long distance relationship is not for me. Just like how the jerk and I first began. Right now, I am in a dejavu situation. Whatever is happening now seemed like a repeat of the 2001-2005 saga. Only right now, I am thinking with my head and not heart. Thank you.

2008-12-17T05:33:00.002+08:00

is he sweet or what....? hmmz.. gonna be gone for 6 days and gonna miss him much. will update this blog again once I come back! Goodbye people!

2008-12-12T16:16:00.002+08:00

I was on my way to meet i2 yesterday when Taugeh messaged me to inform me that results are FINALLY out!! My heart stopped for a while. I was all prepared to see Cs (if I were lucky enough) and Ds (if my luck really ran out)!! Just a week ago, I dreamt of getting Cs and Ds for my results. It was that bad.

My mood hadn't been that fantastic ever since the Linguistics paper on 12th November. I was crying inside, shouting at myself to write as many things as possible; make sense or not. At the end of the paper, I knew I just blew it off. I was cursing myself like crazy; what's the point of doing a great research for the presentation, write great essays and doing well in the tree diagram test, when I blew off the exams? Everything just went haywire after that day.

The only glimpse of hope was the last piece of DCD assignment that I had. Whenever I am down, I will take the opportunity to reflect. And, in the end I completed that assignment way way before the rest could even attempt it.

For Sastera, I couldn't even be bothered anymore. I was not even interested to take the exams. But the questions found in the exams was relatively easy that I didn't really have to worry much. But only for the flu and the huge pile of used tissue papers on the table, it kinda affected my concentration.

Well, in the end... the results that I've got was way way beyond what I had imagined. Alhamdullilah, for all the sacrifices made, the sleep deprived days, the great group members for their support and encouragements, everything is well paid off.

I did extremely well for DCD and DCZ, which I am proud of. I am not boasting, but DCD was the module which holds the highest AU weightage this sem. Hence getting a quality A for this module was so much well deserved. Thank you lecturers for not playing favourtism but rather, assessed us from our efforts and hard work. It is through this kind of assessments that I felt every sacrifices was well worth it. As for DCZ, though the weightage is not that high, a quality A is better than nothing.

I believed God was fair. I had been teaching CME since contract days and even during TA, I was duped into doing a video of that lesson. In the end, I could used that unit for my individual assignment with the activities changed and modified. Spending 3 days and 2 nights using Photoshop to get things done wasn't an easy meat. But in the end, everything was well worth it.

Though, I had expected an A from another module, it seemed like it would never had come cos that maplek is such a screwed up cheekopek! Whatever it is, I earned my B+ through my hard work. And yes, back to Linguistics.. I got a B! Nothing to shout about. Nothing to be proud of. But this grade really matters alot to me. Those A+ -es are nothing if I had say, gotten a D for this module. I earned this grade despite being emotionally disturbed.

I am just so proud of the results. It's like finally... the hard work and efforts are really appreciated and have been duly rewarded. Next semester, I am READY!!

"You will no longer be a threat in my life; I will no longer be hurt by your presence. Thank you for hurting me for the last 7 years. It has been a lesson learnt."

I thanked Allah for showing me the right path, for letting me see the truth and blessing me with a group of wonderful friends whom I can rely on. Not to forget, for giving me the brain as good as a genius which somehow I had failed to utilise it fully. I will wake up now and see things clearly before I embark on them. Insya'allah.

2008-12-08T23:18:00.003+08:00

I have had not been updating my blog properly for quite a while now. I just do not have the drive to update it other than letting out my feelings. Well, I guess... it's time to do it right now.

So, once again, let me reiterate that the semester break began on the 17th Nov 2008 immediately after the Sastera paper. Though officially, school's out was supposedly to be on 19th Nov 2008 as that was the date where we have to submit our last piece of assignment. However, I had submitted mine on 17th Nov, so case is closed for me.

But 17th Nov, marks alot of events in my life calendar. It was on this date 2 years ago, that I made my mind to join the education fratenity. It was on this same date and day that 'C' told me that he have to go back to London. It was on this day last year that I took my first NIE exams. It was too on this day, this year, I took my last NIE exams. And, it was on this day too, this year that I was attacked by the flu bug which has yet to go albeit many attempts to pop in the yellow pills.

So, on the day after the exams, all I ever did was to sleep cos of the medication effect. On Wednesday, I went to JB with my two ladies. It was a fun trip with the hair rebonding session, the lunch and the jokes. Not to forget Oscar, too! Haha.. Then on Thursday, I went out I think.. but I can't remember where to. On Friday, I went to buy some art and crafts stuff after facial session was cancelled unexpectedly. Saturday was a trip to JB and Sunday was the first wedding invites out of the so many.

The week later, I can't remember what happened. All I remembered was, facial and took Adik on Thursday. We didn't do much this hols. We fought alot though. We made up too. Just sent him home a while ago. And I missed him badly.

Beginning tomorrow.. I will have alot of things to settle. With Adik not with me, I guess it's easier to get things done. I'd guess it's time for me to catch up on my sleep. My eyebags are prominently ugly. Urgghhh!!

Ayte, my attempt for a proper post has failed. I had planned to write everything in details but somehow, most of them have been summarised. Haiz...

2008-12-06T00:36:00.004+08:00

I won't deny that he's the sweetest thing ever that I had came across in recent times. He's just so thoughtful. And, I am all smiles. He's away but I am happy cos he contacted me earlier. lolz.

I don't think I am in love with him yet but it's a good start. Can't wait for his return! lolz!!

On an another note, I penned down an entry of confession of 700 words to the guy bestie on my secret wordpress account. I hope he understands the contents of the entry. I had been asking myself, when this circle of jokes will ever end. Unfortunately (or fortunately), it will end in 2009. However, it will end on a sad note on my side. But, I am getting myself mentally prepared for it. I hope I won't shed any tears when that day comes.

2008-12-01T14:04:00.005+08:00

sometimes.. I just feel like shutting down my Facebook Account and go back to the old school Friendster! Don't ask me why... I think this whole shit about FB has reached the point where it defeats its purpose. Haiz...

on another note... on another note.. I have 2 weeks to settle my stuff and fill that void. though I am looking forward to tomorrow... but I know I will get uncomfortable. yeah I shall remain cool as always. chill pill needed.

right now.. if I could turn back time, I would want to go back to the year 1997. I never want to leave that year a single bit. haiz...

mood: reminiscing the past.

2008-11-29T00:29:00.003+08:00

As much as I hate you... my heart goes out to you as I read your blog entry. I am really sorry to hear that someone is trying to break your family. My sympathy goes to the children cos they don't deserved what you adults are doing.

As a woman, I've felt what it was like to have a third party ruining a relationship. That was when you came into the picture. But I managed to let it go cos I believed he was just meant not to be mine. Remember, 8 years ago I said this to you... "never build ur happiness on another woman's sadness. Cos one day, u'll be in that same position." See, now what's happening to your own marriage?

I am not saying that I want to have the last laughter. I am not gloating over your situation. Seriously, I am not. I was just shocked to read about what's happening right now. I hope you'll be strong to fight this obstacles. For the sake of the children, I hope you guys settle this problem peacefully.

And to the once upon a time ex-bf, I just want to tell you that how I lucky I am not to be with you though after the break up with u I'd faced more heartbreaks. Yes, I was utterly hurt when one day you said you wanted to marry her. But after some thoughts, I managed to let you go and be with her. It has been 8 frigging years since ur marriage with her. Do not give me the 7 years' itch crap ayte?

Please wake up. If it's not for her... for the children's sake. Why bother to have an extra marital affairs when you can't even make up your mind to decide?!

I'll pray that this matter will resolve soon all for the sake of the children.

2008-11-23T21:19:00.002+08:00

Ever since the exams ended last Monday, life has been good. Or even great! I never been any happier than like how I had felt over the last few days. As we know, I was really upset prior to the the exams but I am thankful to everyone cos I'd managed to get out of the shit quicker than I thought I could.

But right now.. I guess I am falling for somebody (yet, again!). But then again... I dunno if this time it's for real. I feel 'empty' when I don't talk to him. But I told him that I do not like him. Am I deceiving him or myself?? hmmz..

haiz.. tell me how do I solve this ??

2008-11-21T19:42:00.002+08:00

Last night, I was busy chatting my way through the night. It all started with a 'Hi' to somebody. Somebody, that once upon a time, almost became THE ONE. I had a talk with him, albeit only a short 15 minutes cos he's at work. However short the conversation was, many info was exchanged in which contributed to the idea of a trip to THE BIG APPLE late next year or mid 2010. The plan will materialise depending on his plan of coming to town end of next year. Also, if I do find my PILOT, maybe there will be some changes too. But, I do want to go to NYC by mid 2010! I dun care!!!

In between that conversation, I also had a talk with a friend of mine and also another ex-JIan who's now in NTU. Both of them have a story to share and it was very insightful. But really one day, I do hope that we can bravely enough go up to each other and say HI. Just dunno why.. we're both so shy to say Hi to each other F2F.

Finally, I chatted with someone too. In the end.... I slept at 3 am! I woke up early this morning on the pretext of going for facial. After getting ready, the lady had to call me to inform that there was a power trip and we might not be able to go for the facial today! Bummer!!

In the end, I ended up going to KCK's warehouse sale and bought alot of stuff!! So exciting!! So today, I will try to sleep early cos there is so many activities to do!! *looks at i2*

and... I think... I am slowly but surely falling for that someone! hahhaa.. NYC!!

2008-11-20T22:55:00.002+08:00

I walked to Vivo today! And I just realised how near it was to walk over to Vivo!! And it's even nearer than walking to Tiong Bahru Plaza. (Yupz, aku suka buat kerja gila!)

It was sitting down writing cards, folding cards, chilling, talking and more talking. Nanti kita gi date lagi! Hehe...

On another note... I am back smiling all over again. I didn't realised that I am so going to get over and done with that disturbing issue this quickly!! Well, thanks to all the friends who stood by me during that dark 2 weeks.

I dunno why I am happy... but I do know something. I am planning for a trip to Europe maybe end next year but gonna put that on hold maybe till I find my REAL pilot. Hehe. Now, I am planning for a trip to NYC instead!! Excited. excited. EXCITED!!!

Ok, this is a reason why I am all smiles right now as I am typing this post. Some acquaintance that I knew of will be in NYC for the next 2 years. So, that gives me a reason to catch up with him and also shop for my Hershey's Symphony Chocolates!!! Really.. this time, I need to make it there!!

But... if he comes back here for a visit end of next year, then I will go over in June 2010. I really want to be there.. and who knows... the sparks might rekindle. And I might not need a pilot after all!

ooh.. I am going to do crazy things again!!

2008-11-20T09:55:00.002+08:00

A few nights ago.. I was feeling so bimbo! It was all because... I was so excited to msg him! Cos sometime back, he lost his fone and of course, he will lose my number. Furthermore, I changed my number ever since we first knew each other. Yeah in the end, hehz.. it was all so bimbotic! But it was a nice conversation altogether.

Now, it came to my thoughts that... I do seriously miss alot of people. I do seriously need to play my part and start catching up with them. oooh... I am so tired la.

Anyway, yesterday I was in JB with the two Ts. Haha.. it was so enjoyable and lepak. Bout the bangs... hmmz.. actually its nothing new. Had that before but yeah, it requires alot of getting used to it all over again. It had been what... closed to two years since i had bangs?! Hmmz..

The main talking point behind yesterday's outing was... the two Ts were so eager to pair me up with one of the two guys they thought is suitable for me. So merepek nak mampus sey! Hahahz..please eh ko orang stop it.

Actually... i have alot to say but a blardy phone call from a stupid indian man just had to interupt my train of thoughts. Now... i have forgotten what to blog! hmph! *wonders*.. why do Indian men like to make phone calls to my mobile?!!

2008-11-19T01:19:00.003+08:00

Before I sleep.. I just feel like blogging something. I am meeting the ladies tomorrow. Excited cos we had planned this for like a long time now!! Meeting my beloved Atie, on Thursday! I hope I will give you the drive to do what need to be done. hehz. Meeting i2 on Friday. And Demsey after that.... still thinking. hehz. Not sure what I will be up to on Saturday.. but on Sunday.. a wedding of the ex-JI classmate! Nice nice!! It had been a long while since I last met most of them!!

Anyway, I was talking to i2 just now and we decided to come up with a list. Exciting!! But not going to say what list it is cos its really so-buruk lor... haha! But I am sure I am able to come up with a fantastic list. lol..

Suddenly, all these stuffs and assignments that I have, are making me happy; bringing back the me that I used to be. But I am a little disappointed that these came abit too late. Ooh well, just see how it goes when results are released. Too late to think about that now since exams are over!

Whatever it is, I have decided. I will and I shall forget the whole issue. I will never talk about what happened anymore. To me, whatever happened was just a nightmare which will never ever haunt me again. I will live for the future and not the past. I will forget this issue but I will never forget the people involved in it.

For now, I shall lead my life the way I like it. I am not going to care about what people say, what people do. Whatever you people say, whatever you people do, I am not responsible for it. At the end of the day, ko orang jawablah dosa-dosa ko orang!

2008-11-17T20:50:00.004+08:00

Finally. Exams ended. Finally the semester concluded. I am exhausted. But what's worst than to end the semester with a flu attack?! I was sneezing my way through before, during and after the paper. I am tired from those sneezing!

What else can I say right now... just wait for the results for now.... hopefully, nothing bad la. I am so done with SCHOOL for now!

Next assignment...? Tulis kad! Hehehe... best kerja aku eh?

2008-11-13T19:03:00.002+08:00

I've managed to start doing the last piece assignment. I started it yesterday after being disappointed with the Linguistics paper. And, I just wanted to put off that incident at the back of my mind. I was determined and I stayed focus till I was really really tired. I was awake since 4 am yesterday.

I am almost done with the journal entry but honestly, I really had a hard time writing it. My language was just crap and I had to refer to the dictionary for the spelling and existence of the word. Right now, I am going back to the entry before embarking on my sastera revision. Tonight, I will stay focus again and read till I sleep.

For now, that's the only thing that I could do to let those painful memories stay away from me.

I have committed myself to yet another assignment. I am going to make myself busy and till I drop dead. I don't care anymore right now. I am trying to take in as many assignments as possible so that I won't even have a sec to stop to think. nice!

Come next week, I will eat, sleep, dream and wake up to all those soccer games that I have missed. I will even catch up on Football Fantasy and Real Football. Yes, that's it.

2008-11-12T14:50:00.002+08:00

Today's exam... beyond description. I am really afraid that I might trip in this module. But I am really really praying hard that the worst is far beyond me.

It was all my fault. Blame it on my inquisitiveness, the itchy fingers and the addiction to Facebook. Now I knew why I decided to hibernate my Facebook account late last year. It was addictive. But with more friends getting on Facebook, I was back again into it. It was a big mistake altogether.

It was a few evenings ago when I decided to search for people I knew. I just dunno why.. I decided to search for him. Perhaps, cos of those dreams... I tried once many months ago using his full name, but mission was unsuccessful. And, I dunno what spurred me on that evening to search him using his MSN nick. This time round, I was successful! Yeah, sounds very excited. But wait till you read what followed next.

Well, I discovered yet another loads of photos with captions on it. Like those lies that I discovered 3 years ago, this was worst. Remember, I found the third party on his friendster account and I thought that woman appeared after me... How wrong I was!!

Apparently, I was the third party without me even knowing it!

Ok, what I saw was... their pictures dated 11 years ago. When I was with him, he told me that the girl died of an illness. If she really had died, then who is that girl with the same face right now??!

And for all I know.. he would go around saying that I had died too! WTF!!!!!!

I am dumbfounded.

I kept asking myself, why was I blind and deaf during those years. I asked myself again and again, why was I naive and gullible? And those other whys...

For a moment, I almost wanted to go back to those depressing moments like how life was in 2005. I cried myself to sleep that night. I was all ready to detached myself from this world of lies and deceptions.

But, I am thankful for the bestie of 7 years. The very next day when I woke up, he left a message in my inbox. His words were comforting enough for me to pull myself out of the wilful thoughts. However, the heart still hurts when I think about those lies. It's easy for people to just say forgive and forget. But wait till you put yourself in my shoes. And if you can really forgive and forget, teach me how and I will gladly do so.

On the other note, it was because I was all ready to forgive and forget, that was the reason why I searched for his profile. It turns out to be that I will and can never forget and forgive him. And.. it will be hard for me to believe in guys ever again.

It took me 3 years to finally took the courage to start believing and developing feelings for another person. But.. it seemed like everything was just a facade. I wonder how long will I take this time round to actually bounced back? Probably... forever!

2008-11-09T21:33:00.002+08:00

Some weeks back, when I was busy trying to tie up all the loose ends and finishing the assignments, the ex kept on coming back to haunt me in my dreams. Yeah, anything got to do with him, is just nightmare. I almost went without sleeping cos can you imagine, I had nightmares of him twice in a week!

Then two nights ago... I had another nightmare! This time round, also about an ex not that ex but the obsessive ex whom I was with for just about a month in secondary school. This time round, the dream (or rather the nightmare) was so real!

It happened in one of the DLK class. I was sitting in between Tot Tet and NorashiPIN(hehz). And everyone in the class was sitted closely together unlike the usual class setting where the class is class is divided into two sections. I dunno why and how... the ex, managed to be in that class. And I dunno why everyone wanted to sit beside him! But what I knew then, I wasn't one of them who wanted to sit around him, much less be in that class! And, no one in the class knew about our history cos his presence was just too sudden for me to even share the story with Tot Tet!

And then our tutor allowed us for a 5 minutes break. As usual, the three of us will be the ones who will be eager to go for the break of that darned 'waste time' class. But I dunno why, I ended up coming up late into class.. somehow, the two of them left me outside. So when I came back to class, I confidently, went over to the ex's sit and confronted him saying that he was sitting at my seat. And of course, I got it wrong and I was so embarrassed! But what annoyed me further was that I made such a boo-boo to actually talk to him!

In the end, I quietly went back to my seat and went on a silent mode for the rest of the lesson.

So, this is really creepy... *shivers*

Seriously... what does all this says? Why do I have such nightmares.....???? I don't know...

2008-11-06T18:37:00.003+08:00

Another HUGE Pheewwww!!!!

The Ujian Rajah Pohon is over!!! I was kinda worried about it actually given the time left to study for it and given the fact that I was sleeping and online shopping the whole of yesterday... I deserved some kind of a slap or what..?!

However, I am glad that the test went fine. I am confident that I will do very well for this test. Despite doing it in about 2 hours on 10 pcs of A3 papers and nursing a stiff neck after the test, I am glad that the test went on well; a reward for paying attention in class and immediately re-copy the notes when I got home on that very day. Of course, I spend most of last night and this morning practising to draw the tree diagrams. And I must say, my tree diagrams look so much like an architect's work. Lol!

The real exam is on next week. Alhamdullilah, no more tree diagrams! Just words.. ayte, when will I start my revision...? Pretty soon. I am planning to read my sastera texts as well.. and I will try to multi task by doing my final assignment that will be due by 19th of this month cos I've promised someone that I am all hers as of 17th Nov!!

Ok just two weeks of more hard work and everything will be over for this semester. Happiness!

2008-11-04T20:19:00.002+08:00

Phew........ a sigh of relief. Last night was really really crazy. 3 assignments was supposed to be due today. 2 essays and 1 e-book inclusive of Lesson Plan. The group essay, I had done my editing part last Friday. The e-book LP had been completed on Sunday evening. All I need to do was to do the printing and compiling. But yeah, sometime.. the simple thing in life always end up being complicated. The laptop tried to be funny and refused to print out my hard copy.

But nothing beats the idea of completing the DSF essay in one night. Really crazy. I spend the whole day walking around my house and my room searching for ideas. In the end, I choose to sleep. It was only at 10 pm that I started attempting my essay. Not that I slept till 10 pm. No, I slept for about an hour or so only. Then I did other things other than my DSF essay. Really.. I never want a repeat of this.

I didn't sleep till about 6 am this morning. 3 hours later, I woke up and edited my DSF essay and sort out my assignments. Finally, I managed to print out my hard copy. I am so happy with the end product.

For the first time, I submitted my work about 45 minutes before the closing time. Nice..

2008-11-02T23:16:00.002+08:00

I shouldn't be typing this entry. Not at this moment, at least. What I should actually do right now and in fact immediately, is to embark on my DSF essay. But, I don't know.. I just don't feel like doing it although it's due on Tuesday. Technically, I only have about 25 hours left.. Yet, I am still procrastinating on it. Urgh...

Well, at least I am done with my LP for the E-book. Just waiting for the other members to pass me their LPs and the final version of the E-Book for me to print out and burn it into CD. Am so glad that everything is going to be over soon (as in assignments)!

Ooh well... what should I write about my DSF Essay? I've read the book. I've read about the theory that I will be applying on the selected text. But... how should I start? This time round, I am aiming for just 2500 words. Even if it's more, it should read 2501 words. Nothing more than that.

How much it is when in Year 1 Semester 1, I submitted my essay with closed to 3000 words. In Year 1 Semester 2, I wrote closed to 5000 words. And now, in Year 2 Semester 1, I am just aiming of abt half that number of words. Am I being lazy? No.. I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I am so sick of Sastera. Sastera is no longer how it used to be. Sastera @ NIE is not about appreciation but rather to get the grades for the module. Crapz!

And yes.. why am I blabbering? I should start on my ESSAY NOW!

2008-11-01T19:22:00.003+08:00

Was at Vivo again yesterday after the HP trip. I ran into my svigerfar yet I did not even acknowledge his presence. How bad of me..

Well, I wasn't in the mood to mingle around with the former customers albeit it being closed to a year since I last met them. Well, there will always be a time to catch up with them.

I have more or less made up my mind over some issues. And yes, once again... despite the mind saying 'NO', the heart can't help but to sync a 'YES' answer. But hopefully, I could muster enough courage to say 'NO' when the time comes.

Right now, I have two pieces of assignment due next Tuesday but I am still procrastinating to get going with work. My creative juices have yet to flow as freely as I wish it would. But the heart has the intention of completing the assignments ASAP.

Moving on... my fate is almost sealed unless I did the unthinkable come next year during TP. If two months ago, the VP has given me the nod for a permanent posting at SM, this time round, the P, too had given her nod for my arrival. This news was relayed to me about two days ago.

I know, I will have a really slack time during my upcoming TP but I know too, I won't have the heart to do so cos I know I will be taking the P5's whom in 2010 will be my PSLE charges. Yes, they are my current P4's students. Tough times ahead.

Hmmz.. just wondering what will happen during my TP. A retiree wannabe as my CT and a relief teacher in the school. Haha.. based on my experience, the bulk of IT resources would be pushed to me. Nice. Can I opt for the ICT Executive instead??!

How I missed those long walks from school to City Hall. I can't wait to be back there for good.

2008-10-31T15:05:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, while in the midst of finalising the slides for the sastera presentation due later in the day, the laptop adapter decided to play punk on me with sparks accompanying it; like some mini fireworks display!

At that time, seeing the sparks.. I could feel a piercing pain in my heart cos, that was not the time for the laptop and gang to play punk on me. I still have essay to edit, essay to complete and lesson plan to do.

And that unpleasant incident really dampened my already tired body and grouchy mood.

Went to Challenger to try my luck but the salesman told me to go to the manufacturer instead to try my luck. Friends suggested Funan and Sim Lim. And me... so long I got the adapter, nothing else matters.

In the end, when I woke up this morning, I contemplated on the places to try my luck. At last, I decided to go down to HP itself to get my stuff. And yes, $63 poorer but very much happier cos I could not go on with my work and get rid of those assignments pending.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday evening was fun. Lol... Thanks Toya for the ice-cream and Tot-tet for the "biasa-tot tetnya- entertainment". Haha.. boleh buat lagi lepas exams. And thanks eh ko orang.. make fun pasal chargerku yang annoying nak mampus! hahhaa...

still waiting for tot-tet to kasi gambar... please eh be pro-active! haha

2008-10-29T21:49:00.002+08:00

Feeling melancholic.. like usual, especially when datelines are near. Hate these feelings but its inevitable. At least, for the last two semesters... I had the partner to walk through those moments with. Now... it's just me alone. The great group members have been a blast but the void left behind by the partner is different altogether. No, I don't yearn for him. I am ok without him like those pre-NIE days.

I am fine too with the feelings for XXX gone for good. But there are some things in life that will come knocking on your doors without you expecting it. For instance... who would have expected that after almost 4 years, he came back into my life? Be it in dreams or real life. Crapz crapz.

That dumb dreams are still playing in my head... urgh!

2008-10-28T18:04:00.002+08:00

I want to get this out of my head as soon as possible. Just a few days ago, I dreamt of the ex-. As mentioned, about him in my class and about him mixing around with the boys in the class, making me hate him even more. But, I had a sense of relieved when I woke up knowing that it was just a dream. Only God knows why I dreamt of him when honestly speaking, I no longer think of him.

However, last night, I had another dream about him! Like, what the hell right?! It has been almost 4 years since we concluded the whole issue yet this dreams are disturbing the peace of my mind.

Last night, I dreamt about him seeking my help, to find a place in the Vivo area or something like that. And the stupid me.. did what he asked despite it being at 5 am in the morning! Am I crazy or what??

Seriously, why do I have to think of him again?! Even if he return to my life any time soon.... there is no way we could be together ever again. Even if I can forgive him, my friends can't and even if I forgive him, I won't be able to forget all the things that had happened between us.

It took me a while to really let go.. but to hit the restart..? I must be really crazy unless I am taking revenge!

Maybe, just maybe... God is telling me to forgo my sleep. To just get on with my never ending assignments. To go without sleep for the next 7 days.....? Orang gila aje yang buat gitu! I want to embark on my Feminisme & Sukma Angin by tonight.. starting on my STDKG by tomorrow, hopefully... and my E-book Lesson Plan! Urgh...! And DSD Essay.. DCD individual assignments.. and test and 2 exams!!!!

Please somebody.. tell me that time will stop for a moment, let me catch a breather. Tell me, sleep is just a waste of time, dreaming about people who no longer means anything to me. Tell me, I have the strength to go on with all datelines met by 4th November, insya-allah.

2008-10-27T01:35:00.002+08:00

I do not know why but I was exhausted. I thought of taking a short nap but ended up in slumberland for a good 4 hours!

During that slumberland visit, I dreamt of the ex-! Don't asked me why, for I too do not have answer to it. Don't tell me things like, I have been thinking about him, for that has never crossed my mind.

And in that dream, he appeared to be my classmate. Yes, taking the same course as me right now. And he appeared as though he had switched course or something along that line. When I saw him in my dream, I was lost for words. I kept on wondering as what will happen now that we are seeing each other in class everyday and how will I react?

As usual, I refused to even acknowledge his presence and I pretended as if we never knew each other. And I never wished to even want to know him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I kinda forgotten about this dream when I woke up when suddenly images of it came back slowly and I went.. wat da hell?!

Yes, given a chance.. I will never want this dream to repeat or even become a reality!

Ok.. back to those piles of assignments.. datelines are approaching fast yet the amount of work is nowhere there...

2008-10-25T11:51:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, we went to the Pertapis Children's Home as part of our DCZ module. I was sceptical over this idea of the visit. The primary objective of this visit is to see ourselves in a different light; morally.

But to judge someone characters through Community Involvement Programme (CIP) is not done on a one time basis. Seriously, I do not mind doing all these stuff but the idea of going and doing it when datelines are due is just so not right, I guess.

However, having gone through this visit, meeting the children and interacting with them as well as seeing the course mates whom I seldom really get the chance to talk to given that we have 61 of us in the cohort, I am glad that the visit happened.

Not only did we managed to bring cheers to these children, but also bonded the group. Though I know.. some are still sceptical over the ideas. But for me, I had fun. That was indeed a first time for me, being able to accept kids of all backgrounds, interacting with them like anyone else.

I felt remorseful and I did reflected on some of my actions. And I do believe, everyday is a learning journey especially in the lives of teachers.

If the kiddos can accept us for what we are, why can't we adult accept them for what they are..?

I do hope for a better future for the kids over there. I believe, everything is not that bleak for them. They will have a bright future, insya'allah..

To the lovelies I met over there, pretty boy 'A', I pray that you'll do well in your PSLE. I could see your determination and aspirations and I do believed, you have the right elements for a successful life ahead, insya'allah.

To my "one-afternoon stand" boy, "F".. I also hope you'll do well in life. Cut the crap remarks and please be a good boy. Do channel your intelligence in the correct medium cos I believe you too have the potential to do well!

To my cute little toddler, "H".. though I do not really get the chance to mingle with you, but I guess you were attracted to me at first sight. I know, you're too young to understand what is going on.. but I am sure you'll be loved by the people around you with your charms. I also hope you'll do well in life.

To the rest.. though I do not really get to mingle with every single one of you, but I believe each and everyone of you have your own talents. And I do hope, you will all exploit that given talents despite the situation you're in. Life is such a wonder... never expect what you want but expect the unexpected. You'll all be duly rewards in due times.

To Tot Tet Yam, thanks for making it happen. It had been a fulfilling day, indeed.

(Photos will be passed around soon... It will just be memories since we can't post it!)

2008-10-24T00:35:00.002+08:00

Many things have been going on for the last few weeks. And it will continue all the way till probably next week. I am exhausted and I have a long list of assignments to be completed YET here I am, blogging my way through. In short, I am doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

Anyway just a little updates.. most would have known by now.. XXX no longer occupies my heart right now. It's sad that I chose to give up BUT I have to do it before its too late. I still do see him and do hope to see him somehow, somewhere out there but then again.. why do I need to see him and interupt my "train of thoughts" (quoted from Tot Tet Yam)? Whahaha..

Friends are getting married from late November onwards, one after another. Congrats to those wedding bells ringers!! Ringers...? whatever eh.. crap vocab! Meet ups and kecohness on the cards! sungguhseronok.com!

And today.. officially all my group members have a name for themselves. Our pioneer members, Tot Tet and Tim Tam have since upgraded their names. They now have a FIRST name! Like how cool is that?????!

The list goes... Tot Tet YAM, Tim Tam BINGE, Taugeh, La Toya and yours truly, Cik Pe'ah. Haiz ko orangz... orang sibuk habiskan assignments.. kita sibuk cari nama mcm nak namakan anak yang baru lahir.. tapi semua dah tua bangka! Haha...

But it's seriously fun la.. ok takmo kecoh.. assignment jalan dulu.. !

2008-10-21T22:48:00.003+08:00

I miss Adik! It had been 18 days since I last saw him. And of course, Adik got himself into one major accident on one of these 18 days! Of all things, he got an accident with a dumb cat which requires a "glue" job by the doctor and yeah Adik's silly request for the police help as well as his pleas of not going to the doctor!

Some time last year, he got into yet another major accident which left his upper eyelid with a deep cut. A few months before that major accident, he got a serious bruise on that same eye because he blindly bumped into those marble table under the void deck!

His eyes have been a serious casualty to all his naughtiness. And in between that freak accidents last year, he also got into a silly accident at the carpark at my aunt's place which resulted in his head having a deep cut!

All those accidents.. happened not when he was in my care.. yet the platonic friend gave me a BIG scolding! So, I am going to keep this recent accident from him lest another round of lecturing!

Bottom line.. I want to see Adik ASAP.

2008-10-20T19:29:00.003+08:00

Just a little something before I get down with my work...

The head is hurting.. signs of a migraine cos I had insufficient amount of sleep YET I overslept and was almost late for school today! Haiz...

The brain is blank cos of migraine. Hmmmz...

The heart is empty cos I no longer yearns for XXX. It all began after that day... Just as quickly the feeling came by, it went just as quickly. Just as well... it's really pointless going through something that is never gonna be yours.

Right now... I only have one goal. To finish all the assignments that are due NEXT week! Gosh!! Technically, next week is the last week for the semester before the exams!!! Am I so going to be dead or what?! This weekend... 4 days break, I am going to be on a SERIOUSLY SERIOUS MODE!!!!!!!!!!!

No proscrastinating, no delaying.. just plain serious work!!

2008-10-19T13:11:00.004+08:00

I wrote something earlier.. but decided to erased it away.

But this post is also in relation to the earlier post. I just realised it's ain't about what he said 9 years ago, but rather what he did that suddenly jolted my memories.

Here, I am talking about my former Geography teacher. You looked hot and dashing but you do looked like as if you belonged to THE OTHER. Still, many girls do go crazy over you. And, once upon a time... I did too! Haha.. That happened during the final year in school and we worked together for the school's official opening. It was a blast.

I'd rather picked you than your nephew which I eventually became enemy with after rejecting him. Hehe..

So today.. in the midst of going away with the tons of assignment, I decided to google for Mr Z after the earlier entry. Found out that he's in RP currently. Found out how the once upon a time teacher of mine has aged. Yet, I still think you're pretty much the same old person.

Am I sick or what...? Googling or rather ogling for my former teacher? Hahaha... But really, he dances so well and it's so captivating when he dances the ballet! His turns mesmerises just anyone else. Ok, STOP!

Back to work....bummer!

2008-10-18T15:00:00.002+08:00

I am really exhausted. Despite that hell of a 16 hours nap, my brain is refusing to co-operate! Seems like only the right side is working well giving me lotsa creative juices. That's checked. At least this creative juices have given me space to work on my resources for the DCZ module. Haiz, teaching CME is never easy!

The LP is done. I am very satisfied with it. It is way much better than the idea that the CTs made me do for the video thingy. This LP really reflects the way I used to teach CME during contract. But then again... coming up with scenarios is no mean feat. Haiz....

DLK written test is on next week. I have yet to revise. I am so going to be DEAD. The essay has yet to be edited. I am so going to be DEAD. The book has yet to be read completely! Ya Allah, Ya Tuhanku, berikanlah hambamu ini kekuatan dan semangat untuk merentasi 2 minggu terakhir semester ini!

I am so going to stop procrastinating and start work NOW!

2008-10-17T10:05:00.002+08:00

Earlier in the post, I've mentioned that I came home late from school on Wednesday. Many things did happened on that day which I have yet to elaborate. There was even a perjumpaan raya in school in which the photos/videos taken has yet to be uploaded to the laptop. Reason being, on the very next day, my group and I was to have a micro teaching session with the class for one of the modules that we are taking this semester.

And yes, despite returning home late on that very Wednesday night, I did not sleep till 5 am on that Thursday morning (yesterday). Before I knew it, I was awake at 6.30 am to get ready for school. I am not sure if it's the 100+ that I drank or the ISSUES that took place in between the lessons yesterday that caused me to be wide awake.

Anyhow, I reached home at about 4.30-5.00 pm yesterday. The tiredness and the insufficient amount of sleep doesn't help cos I wasn't aware of what's going on yesterday other than that DUMB ISSUES. Even if XXX was around, I couldn't care less.

When I got home, I immediately got changed and went to SLEEP! And SLEEP I did till about 9 am this morning!! That was some 16 hours of SLEEP or what?!? Yes, I was that tired...

Alright, now I shall blog about Wednesday.

Wednesday 15th Oct 2008

The highlight of the day was the DeepaRaya Concert. But before that, my friends and I had fun camwhoring before DSD tutorial, after DSD tutorial and also during the concert. After which, I couldn't even bothered to camwhore anymore cos I was tired.

Just a thought to ponder...

"if you have it, flaunt it. if you don't just be good and dun embarrassed yourself!"

See, embarrassment works wonder, just like those deadly virus. It just need one person to let the matter going and before you know it, the whole world might be talking about you. To that someone, let me just give you a gentle advice, which I know it won't get into your head due to the thick make-up and fake lashes. But still, I am going to try before you'll be embarrassed further. Then again, I am confident that you'll still want to be the talk of town for the wrong reason. Maybe, I shall suggest you do get involved in Singapore Idol or something when the season is back or something? Then, you'll get to be on Front Cover for the WRONG reason. Then you'll be in the limelight. Hahaha!

To that person,

Before you can get people to like you, learn to like yourself first. To like yourself, learn to look after your image. Do not let your face suffer that talk of town with those fake lashes and thick make up. Honestly, no one is interested to look at you. The reason we look at you is because we wants to see if there is an inch of make up lesser in you or not, more. Nothing else, admiring your beauty? Far from it!

Then, learn to give NOT just take. Selfishness and self-centredness doesn't bring you nowhere. Just perhaps into the Hate List of others'. You can be self-centred at times for the right reason but all the time....? Something gotta be wrong for you. Especially now that you are working towards your goal to be the Role Model for the future of the nation. But, I have serious doubt that you'll even be a ROLE MODEL. Just bear this, what goes around DO comes around.

Finally, what your boyfriend can excel in DO NOT mean you'll too unless you have the talents. Do everyone a favour ayte? DO NOT embarrassed yourself and your boyfriend! It's just so embarrassing you know putting the BEST and the WORST together on stage.

I do hope.. in future, you do look yourself at the mirror before doing anything else. Even if my friends and I need to beg around for money to sponsor a mirror for you, we'll gladly do so just so that you'll change to be a better human being.

Yours Sincerely,

the one who hopes you'll just be ORIGINAL

dis: I may not be perfect, I may be in others' hate list BUT at least I don't go around looking for the opportunities to be the centre of attraction and end up being hate!

Thursday 16th Oct 2008

Some people can just be so ridiculous, selfish and incompetent. I do have serious doubts about the future generations of teachers who are just so self-centred. I have a question here, what is so wrong of others performing well because of their abilities, talents and knowledge? Why do some people need to be inconsiderate and cause our morale to be brought down to nowhere?

To these people.. let me just sent out this message once and for all. Your comments and criticisms doesn't bring us down. It will just gives us the opportunity to persevere and work towards our goal for the future.

At the end of the day, even if we get the worst grades or criticisms, at the very least, we do have a clear conscience. We do not suck up to anyone for that fantastic grades, we do not come up with a reason for not being able to complete an assignment on time, we do not do things at the very last minute and we do not cause inconvenience to others.

Grades are just reflected on the result slip. Just a reason for a cross over. But what's the point of having good grades when your attitude sucks and you can't teach for nuts?! That's just jeopardising the nation's future!

What's important is, whatever we do in life.. it all comes from the one at the top. That's Allah. What we have right now is a gift from HIM. It is our responsibility to share, give and spread this Gift around. Not just for your own use.

To my group mates, whatever happened yesterday.. it's just another day in the office. People will do so many things just to bring others down. But I will always believe in this, what goes around DO comes around.

Even if they hate us for the great ideas we came up with, the praises from the lecturers and so on, at the very least, what we did are suitable with our objectives and it comes straight from the heart. Even if I have only 1.5 hours of sleep yesterday, it doesn't matter cos I know you guys too have been through my phase during that DSD and DSF modules. Haha..

What I can assure you is... definitely in the near future, some people will definitely copy our ideas. But it doesn't matter cos we do not mind it for the benefit for the future of the nation. What's important, we have done our job well. We have discharge our responsibility and what we have embark on are done with great sincerity without asking for anything in return.

Tot tet, dunch be sad ayte, over their baseless comments. At times, people do not think of what they say. At times, they forget that they might be the one receiving those rude comments. At times, they just forgotten the real reason why they need to be here in the first place.

Whatever their purpose in life is.. that's their problem. We will get on with our own purpose. What I believe is, the 5 of us will stay united in this game of power struggle. We will continue to motivate and help one another out. Insya allah apa yang kita lakukan semua ini dapat dimanfaatkan oleh yang lain. Whatever it is, you people are my best group mates ever! I heart you all people!

2008-10-15T23:22:00.002+08:00

I sort of sit down and did some thinking on my way home from school today. School's premises look like its at dawn though it was only 9-ish at night. The wonders of God's creation.

Anyway, I wasn't reflecting on the wonders of God's creation but rather issues on XXX . I started to think back... like how it all started. I had no recollection of that story.. Maybe it hit me hard after that one evening.. but it faded as quickly as it came. After about a month or so, the incident that happened last Wednesday was the turning point. And since then, it seems like I am more aware of his presence than in the past. But today, I gave away the chance of going back on the same route with him just like last week.

For some reasons... I am disappointed at myself for going crazy over him. Yes, I reflected on WHY DID I DEVELOPED A CRUSH FOR HIM? I muz be hallucinating... really, really really.. someone said something to me today which really makes me ponder on this issue.

I knows myself well enough than anyone else. I know that I am not the monotonous, stick by routine person, but he is.. He is just so opposite of me and people says opposite attract but for how long?

I'd guess it's time for me to start this new game.. to avoid him and hopefully the feelings' for him would be gone. I guess I was really really hallucinating or sleep walking when that thought of developing a crush on you started.

I am tired..........

2008-10-14T20:04:00.002+08:00

The group mates have been asking who's XXX. Haha.. the aim of this post is not to reveal who's XXX, yet. Anyhow, I do want to clarify one thing here, there is no way that I am going to reveal his identity any time soon. Maybe never at all. Let this crush issue be that tiny little secret that only my heart holds on to.

Not to say I do not trust any of you. That's not the point. If I do not trust any of you, I would have not share gossips with you guys. Simple as that. It's just that I am going after the impossible. Don't ask me why it's impossible. It goes down a long list. So save it, since our list of assignments are expanding never seems to diminish any time soon till end of this month, like it or not.

To put it simply, I do not have any confident to hold on to another relationship despite it going into 4 years since I ended that hateful, revengeful, lies, pain, agony yet memorable relationship. I thought he was THE ONE then. We've made plans and envisioned the future together. But Fate is just so funny at times, name it cruel too.

I may have moved on. I have fallen for other guys after a year of hell after that break up. However, the feeling goes as quickly as it comes. The longest crush I ever had was with 'C', the Dutch guy. Well, maybe if he had not left for London... I might still be crazy over him. Maybe, I guess..

Then, when he left early last year.. I got close to my platonic friend who's engaged. Was I crazy or what?! I went on dates with him and Adik didn't favour him. So out he goes from the list. We're still the best of friends. Then, when I got into NIE, I was close with my partner till early this year just shortly before last semester ends.

The partner graduated, got a full time job and I am left alone with no one to keep me motivated this semester. Quite sad actually. Haha.. But that's my partner. He had seen the best and worst outta me.

And so where do XXX come into play? It was actually during the days when my partner and I drifted. Last semester, I hardly have any essay to do (as in English essays) and he was busy with his thesis which he had procrastinated like since God knows when! The only essay that I helped him vet was the Social Science essay on Islam and Hinduism in SEA. So, last semester we hardly meet up.. that was when I realised the existence of XXX.

See partner, I've told you not to let me step into NUS anymore cos I have a soft spot for NUS' guys. Like remember that ex-NUS guy now in RGS? Lol... Now, XXX is also from NUS! Haha.. Funny!

But I am sure and confident, I will just forget XXX as quickly as I had fallen for him. Shoot me if I still harbours any hope for XXX come next year. Ooh maybe that's too long. I would have gone on to my next target by then. Let's see.. who it gonna be. Anyone has a suggestion for me? Nothing much that I would hope for... other than...

1979 babies ARE most wanted
those who's birthday falls on the 5th day of the month, preferably 1979 babies please.

Dun ask me why... the 3 junkies who had been with me are BY coincidence 1979 babies and by coincidence too, their birthdays fall on the 5th day of the month. Maybe, you might say 1979 babies and me clash, but let me assure you it's the Best choice for me only that I pick the wrong choice. Haha.. Ok 'nuff for now.

2008-10-12T18:14:00.002+08:00

Today I was a happy shopper. Went to Art Friend (like finally, after procrastinating since Friday). I got what wanted, I bought what I needed at Popular too (once again, procrastinated since before Raya!)...

However, one incident happened when I was at Popular... oh well, make it two cos I just remembered something else. Both incidents left me with some burning questions..

Ok let's follow the sequence of the incidents. As I was walking towards the cashier, a lady approached me. They were loitering around the cashier area and seemed like both her and her husband bought lotsa stuff.. with trolleys and all.. Fine, your business!

Back to the question she asked me:

Lady: Do you have a Popular Card?
Me: Yes.
Lady: Got discount?
Me: (pissed by her question) Dunno. (shrugs and walks away)

Ok, I am sure you guys got the drift. Obviously, if you people can read in between the lines, you would have realised that this lady is asking for MY POPULAR CARD to offset her purchase. On normal occasion, I might just let her use my card. But what turned me off was, the way she asked. Obviously, she knows that Popular card entitles you to a discount. And, she was loitering around the counter area in the hope that some one would be nice enough to let her use their card. (ooh too bad... I wasn't that angel!)

Just wondering.. what's so difficult to just apply for a membership card??! If you want something, ask someone nicely and stop beating around the bush. If you think I looked like a Popular staff, I wasn't even wearing a Popular uniform! Haiz.. some people are just so cheapo!

On the second occasion.. I was at the counter unloading my purchases to be scanned when I heard someone calling my name followed by my full name. I went like.."who da hell saw me here?! it's a sunday for God's sake.." Then when I turned around I saw a guy who's familiar but I was like.. "who's this?"

Ok, it was actually one of my cousins. And he asked me a dumb question. He asked me, "What are you doing here?" I told him buying some stuff... Like what else could I be doing when I was paying my stuff at the counter.. I couldn't be flirting with the aunty or I couldn't be working since I was at the other side of the counter. Haiz...

So that's my Sunday encounter. No wonder I often choose to stay at home on Sundays unless necessary for me to get out of the house.

2008-10-09T22:23:00.002+08:00

Still thinking about what happened yesterday and it seemed like all but a Sweet Dream. Though what happened yesterday was reality and I am pleased that the incident did take place, however... I know it's just so impossible.

It so going to involve great courage if it ever proceed on to another level. And, I doubt I am going to have that courage. Not now, not in the future.

Hence, I will try to just forget the whole issue for now. But hopefully the dust will settle pretty soon. The sooner the better.

"It's just some game of fate... We're just not meant for each other..."

2008-10-08T19:44:00.002+08:00

These days.. it has been a case of running into people whom I have not met for years.

Just the other day, I was at Vivo when I ran into this guy, my former school mate whom I have developed a crush for then. Even my teachers then, supported the idea of the two of us getting together. That was just so silly. Thinking back... just wondering, what do I see in him then? Haha..

Though I know that he's currently teaching in one of the schools nearby my place, however since the day we left school, we have yet to run into each other. But, 13 years on.. finally fate brought us together again. I was walking out of Tangs when I saw him going into Tangs. But of course, I did not approached him. Don't ask me why. I guess it's better to keep the status quo this way.

Then some time during Ramadan, I met one of my former school mate's younger brother. Been a long while since I last saw him. A popular child actor in the past and often sees him going to school when I was having my hockey training. I saw him once at the bazaar and a few days later, in JB! How small the world have become.

Tough these two meetings have been good, seeing the people whom I has yet to meet for more than a decade, but nothing beat the idea of meeting that someone whom I have a crush on recently. Hoho...

Today, I m so happy. Cos, I went home with him! I was just thinking abt him earlier in the day.. Thinking about how long it had been since I met him. And my wish was fulfilled today. Happy nak mampus!

And as we were seated facing each other, when I tried to steal a glance at him, he too was looking at me and that's when our eyes met. As he looked into my eyes, it was as if he had something on his mind. I will never forget that look in his eyes. c",)

Yeah yeah.. So I said the feelings for him has long vanished. Though what happened today was sweet, yet I do not get that vibes that often drop by my heart like earlier on.. So.. Do I still have a crush on him or do I just want to prove something?

Right now, I am not really sure yet. But well, I guess I won't be sleeping tonight. Lol..

To my group mates with LURVE!

2008-10-06T18:30:00.004+08:00

It was really a shocking surprise last night, to get a call from Fiza informing that our group was due to present our topic today. Well, we all have anticipated that we are due to present this week but not today. It was really so abrupt cos each of us has done our editing part but yet to compile and everyone was busy celebrating Raya. Kecoh sekejap! To make things worst, that thing called migraine came to visit me and irritate the hell outta me.

And ada satu ekor in my group, refused to co-operate since imagine from 3 weeks ago, when I first asked for his slides. Well, I dun wish to bring up this issue again cos the thought of it just pisses me off. One year ago, I went through the same agony being in the same group as him and one year later, on the very same festive season.. he gave me the same crap! Sarap betul!

But anyway, there's always a blessing in disguise. Feeling great today cos the lecturer was all praises for us. She said we have done way beyond what was expected and our standards were on par with the degree students! Alhamdullilah. Kudos to my team mates, my sekaki, sehati dan sejiwa gang!

Although we are always the ones getting the tough topics cos we wasn't choosy but gave in to others to pick the topics of their choice but alhamdullilah with every one's co-operation and understanding, we have managed to pull off every piece of tough assignment with flying colours. Those e-mail exchanges from time to time really works as a source of motivation. Those sharing of ideas and constructive criticisms not only help us to improve but at the same time provides us with a different dimension.

Guys.. I heart you all and I am so glad that we are in the same group creating havocs in the right way, sharing gossips ntah apa tapi always fun and many many more.. now that the presentation is over and we're confident that 5 marks are in the bag, let's now focus on the essay, our DCD mini assignment this Friday, our DCZ presentation next week, our DSF presentation next, pastu E-book/Big Book, DCZ individual and pastu exams! Pastu leh celebrate!! Sungguh best.com.

Ok for now.. gotta get ready for the 3 minutes speech tomorrow.

2008-10-05T10:39:00.002+08:00

I am tired of being sick and I am sick of being tired. Figure that out!

Tons of assignment not completed, spending majority of my free time procrastinating. I am so gonna be dead.. I am so tired and I yearn for a break. But for all I know, its October right now. Now, why didn't anyone wake me up when September ends?! Yeah right!

So another 4-5 weeks of school.. honestly, I didn't really settle in during this semester. Everything happened at one short. Fast and Furious. I'd guess that happens when you're in your final year of your course. Things just get crazy and shall I include, mundane? You do the same old stuff over and over again without any pausing moments. And I am so bored with these kinds of rushing moments. Just give me a break will ya'all?

Last night, I finally managed to squeeze some time to catch up with the 'god brother'. Been a long long while since I last chatted with him although it was a short one yesterday. We used to be very close from Day 1 we knew each other in late 2003. And 5 years have passed, yet up till today, we have yet to meet up F2F. Yet, the friendship is still going strong. Only that since entering NIE, we sort of drifted apart cos I no longer spend my time on MSN or Yahoo.. and over time, I find that I have nothing to share with him.. it's always the same old topic that revolves around our conversation. And at times to spice up the conversation, we will fight and argue over some stupid topic. Yeah, that's the story between me and my 'god brother' whom I know only through words and pictures. Haha..

Ok.. back to the assignments before the house is invaded by the guests who will be busy Raya-ing while me slumping in front of the laptop completing my endless assignments! Bummer-FIED!

2008-10-03T09:28:00.002+08:00

Two days ago, we celebrated Raya. Like, I've said before, this Raya was somewhat something that I was looking forward too. Don't ask me why. Despite all the looking forward to it, I am all tired with the preparations.

So anyway, here's an account on what happened days prior to the celebrations:

A week before Raya, it was Recess Week. A heavenly gift. So, I took the opportunity to complete my pending assignments, start the Raya's preparations and buying things that I need. Unfortunately... SLEEP was again sacrificed. Hmph!

Ok, just want to make a short entry on what happened prior to Raya since I am sure I have updated earlier on my previous entries.

Back to the incidents on the first day of Raya.. Bumped into that family in all the 3 houses that I went. Ok, have nothing against the two abangs I had but I just dislike their sister ok. Don't ask me why cos I won't defamed anyone on this holy month.

Well, when we were at one of my aunt's place.. my two abangs and I were involved in a very engaging discussion. When suddenly, the senior abang asked me one silly question out of the blue. Haha.. Well, this abang sedara of mine, every year loves to tease me only that his teasing question this year was really a "heavy" topic to handle. Lol.

Then when at my cousin's place, I bumped into them again. Super irritating la. Cos seriously, they never been to my cousin's (their cousin too!) place. And anyway, was talking to my cousin's husband. As usual, he loves to tease me.. (this has been happening since like more than 20 years ago!) Then when we were talking, that sister of my two abangs..(ok my cousin la, right?), interrupted! Dah lah, bodoh nak mampus! Tanya soalan bodoh!!!

And I threw the cushion at my cousin's husband and walked away after a while. I was so 'rimas' sitting somewhere within close proximity of some hell of a bimbo!

Then my eldest nephew, which by the way was my original favourite, decides to play prank on me! He placed a beetle toy on my hands when I was busy talking. As usual, got me screaming! And he was so cute la! Dah besar anak sedaraku sorang tu!

So the final destination was to that cousins' place. Which I don't fancy going. But I tell you, I regretted going la... As usual, the mum have so many sarcastic remarks!! Eh please eh.. YOUR daughter didn't qualify because her qualifications aren't fantastic NOT because by CHOICE that she didn't want to be there! And don't give me crap that she holds a double diploma OK?!

And seriously la... I don't think I have forgiven you for all the things you've said and done in the past. Neither will I be forgiving you with all the things that you've said just a few days ago!

You so think that you're a perfect being??! Then, let me tell you... You ARE NOT! You want to bad mouth my other cousins, in front of me?! Then, let me tell you... you've got the wrong person!! You're bad mouthing the people whom which have been looking after me since I was a baby! And don't you blardy forget that my cousin was the one who became your guarantor when you needed a CAR a few years ago. And till today, she felt guilty that she couldn't be my guarantor for the MOE's bond when I needed her help last year.

So, you witch.. you think you should only be approaching my cousins on when you needed help? And bad mouthing them when you think they are of no use to them anymore?! Hey witch, wake up okay?! Don't let me Hate you till the day that my heart has hardened and will refused to see ur face forever!

And so.. I shouldn't be saying what I've said here.. But, I just need to vent my anger which amazingly has yet to subside despite a couple of days has passed. And from all those sarcasms she threw to me, I am determined to prove to her wrong.. And with God's willing, I am able to fulfill my goals in a few years' time. Amin.

2008-09-30T23:30:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow.. Hari Raya.

Somehow, this year.. I managed to get into the mood of Raya-ing. Last Raya was crapped la.. tons of assignments, mugging in the school library and with GeS(e)L-ing.. How to Raya?

And when Raya arrives, my thoughts will bring me back to Raya 2005 and 2006. Raya while my status was still as a Spinner. I shared the Raya festivities with the expatriates friends.

2005.. crazy over 'N', the french HOT eye candy!

2006.. nothing great, but shared the festivities with Lil Sarah and family, Kim and the other friends.

2007.. crazy.crazy.crazy.

2008..?? What I know is... going to Geylang in a few hours' time to recce the place with I-2. Tomorrow.. usual visiting. Gonna sleep realy early tomorrow. Don't care any more. I am so frigging sleepy.

To all friends and fellow Muslim Bros and Sisters... Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin.

2008-09-27T01:38:00.002+08:00

Been almost 5 days since I last updated. Very very rare occasion that such a thing do happen. Well, it finally did anyway!

This week was supposedly be Recess week. But I've been so busy since school ended last week. I have so much to do yet so little time to spare. And I have yet to touch my laptop till today. The last I ever did some work on my laptop was on Monday and that was it. I have done most of group work stuff but am left with 2 essays to battle on.

I really need a REAL break!

ooh.. 'C' keeps me motivated to read Sukma Angin!

2008-09-22T22:47:00.003+08:00

I started reading the literature text which my group is due to prepare for a presentation a few weeks after recess week. I started reading the book after being pressured by my group mates. They are almost reaching the end of the book while me still procrastinating and doing other things.

But today, I finally gave in and read up on the book. Well, I managed to read about 30 odd pages before going out today. A real achievement for me. The book is okay. But one thing to complain, the book contains a lot of Dutch elements which some how brings back those memories.

As I read that book, I remembered how 'C' will proudly announced to everyone that I know more about the Netherlands than he does. I remembered how 'C' taught me to speak Dutch. And I remembered when his dad tried to converse with me in Dutch and all I could do was gave him a blank look. Yes, it was all about those days that I could still remember.

I will motivate myself to complete reading the book within the next few days den at least I have something to share with 'C' when the time comes. But then again, when the time comes... Cos I know.. the time has long gone and never to come back again unless it's written some where that it will come back.

For now, it's really going to be meeting those date lines!

2008-09-20T23:48:00.003+08:00

More or less.. I am done with my shopping. Just need some little final touch and that means off to JB some time next week. That's if everything goes as planned.

As for now, I am more or less all geared up for the baking session. Was itching to help mum to "cepit" the makmur and roll the popiah. But right now, I am taking a few minutes off before I finally type out my DCZ LP and edit my DSD slides. Only then can I go and visit slumber land. Time check: 11.51 pm. Gotta hurry!

The plan for tomorrow is to roll more popiah(s) and do more assignments. The baking proper will only begin on Monday, with two types of cookies in the pipeline. Mum will be working on Monday, so I will have the kitchen all to myself before evening comes. Hopefully, the laziness in me doesn't strike then. And, it will be back for more assignments!! This happens when October seems to lurk around; semester going to end and assignments are a plenty. Tell me about, wake me up when September ends... it will all be too late then.

Tuesday will also be planned for another baking session, this time fighting with mum for the oven. Lolz... Wednesday... planning for final touch up and spring cleaning. Thursday, the MioTV guy is coming for installation and while waiting for him, I guess I will do more baking.

Friday will be rest day for me. Saturday... hopefully my assignments and readings are over. I hope to relax on Saturday. Sunday will be the start to the 3 days marathon to cake baking. Busy busy busy...

Ya'all know what?? I am going back to school la on Raya's eve! Like what the hell?! This is the first time that I am not at home on Raya's eve... but I hope to reach home by 2 and start my final baking by then. Ooooh no... just remembered that Saturday won't be rest day for me! urgh!

Ok.. time to start typing the LP.. time is ticking away!

2008-09-19T22:33:00.002+08:00

Went to JB this morning to get some stuff. Unfortunately... not everything that I wanted to get is available. It's kinda a wasted trip today. Great dissapointment! Bummer.

Went to Little India for threading. Got a nice lady to do it and for the first time, threading the brows didn't feel any pain at all. However, definitely there's a con.. she didn't do a good job on my very fine hairs on the upper lips. Urgh!

Bought the stuff I needed at Sun Lik. But the book I needed urgently have been returned to the publisher! Damn!!

Going to start on the DCZ group work assignment in a while. Going to Geylang tomorrow to get some more stuff. Probably to Vivo as well to get some stuff. Busy with assignments, Busy with bakings and busy with shopping too!

I really need my sleep... yawns!

2008-09-17T20:23:00.002+08:00

This afternoon, an unexpected email came in my inbox. Been a long long while since I last heard from this person. So what happened was, he invited me to join his LinkedIn network. Now, you may asked what the hacked is LinkedIn?!

Basically, LinkedIn is somewhat like a friendster/facebook acct. Only difference is, its not those you know boy meet girl, girl meet boy kind of networking acct. It's more like a business network. Ok fine, I got no business and why the hack I have a LinkedIn account, you may asked!

It was a long story.. once upon a time about 2 years ago when I was madly and crazily went head over heels on 'C', I joined LinkedIn cos at that time he had to leave Singapore and being in LinkedIn allows me to know who his new friends are and how he's doing basically. But, over the couple of years later, the feelings fade as distance stands between us. And so, I've literally forgotten about my LinkedIn acct.

Back to where I started, so one of my former customer a.k.a my svigerfar (Danish for father-in-law, remember I was playing a fool going after the then 6 years old Alfred? Haha), dropped me an email to link me to his LinkedIn acct. I accepted the invite and he sent me and email.

He called me stranger. And I got to agree with him that it had been a long while since I last contacted him or saw him. And what he wrote in the email really touched my heart cos those years of hard work are still very much appreciated.

Yes, it took me almost 2 years to clean forget those happy days at work with those bunch of wonderful customers. But till today, I do still think about some of them. And I am pretty sure that if, 'C' has not left the country, I would not be at NIE doing all these hectic workload.

No doubt, I was crazy about him but it has slowly but surely faded. And it was only till recently that I thought I have found The One but then I realised that the doors to my heart are still safely locked. As fast as it took me to develop a crush for that person, it faded instantly as well. Oh well, who cares anyway? At least without the other half, I still get to enjoy my social life with those guys that I literally grew up with, my platonic friends and of course MY partner!! Having you guys is more wonderful than having a boyfriend!

So anyway, I guess I have to make time to meet up with some of the former customers.. or else I will be labelled 'ingrate'. Nice!

************

Got my essay result this morning. B+. If the partner knew about this, my head will roll. But then again, did I get that B+ because my marks were deducted due to the so called late submission?! Or was it really pathetically done? What I heard from some coursemates from another class but having the same tutor, majority of them got Cs. So... am I considered lucky to go away with the B+?

Cos last week in that heated argument, he told me that if I get an A-, he will give me a B-. So does it mean that I should get a A+ thats why he gave me a B+?! Damn him big time, seriously. Just see how the grades will change towards the final results. At the end of the day, the course module is over! Yipee!!

2008-09-16T22:21:00.002+08:00

Last night, received news that a course mate's mum has passed on. Another sad news.. It comes one after another...

Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas roh-roh mereka yang telah pergi meninggalkan orang-orang yang tersayang. Amin.

I hope those are affected would be strong and often offer their prayers. And, I do not wish to hear anymore sad news for now, with Raya coming, it couldn't get any solemn. I can imagine the scene at my aunt's house on the first day, especially with my uncle's passing on about 2 mths back... there is only so much sorrow that I can accept.. and right now, I could accept no more cos, I am not good at comforting people..

Atie.. you gotta be strong!

2008-09-14T20:59:00.003+08:00

I was doing my slides late last night when a phone call came in. My Caller ID read 'Atie'. The first thought that came to my mind was, she must have lost her way somehow.. But then again, it was already late in the night. Furthermore, Hafiz has gone back riding a bike. So, I tot maybe she needs to ask me something.

I answered the call. But it wasn't Atie on the line. Instead, it was Hafiz. I was puzzled why did he called me using her number? I feared something had happened but at the same time, I was praying hard that nothing had happened.

The conversation went something like this:

Me : Hello.

H: Hello, ni Hafiz.

Me: ah, apa?

(There was a long pause before he speaks slowly but surely clearly. I almost wanted to tell him to stop cos I couldn't bear to hear any longer thinking about Atie and...)

After that phone call, I was disturbed cos somehow the news has yet to sink in. I was like.. why so soon.. and suddenly? I know Atie would be very very very sad. Who would not if they are in her shoes?

A while after I managed to digest the news, I messaged the former classmates to relay the news. And then, we started planning to go melawat the very next day (today) early in the morning. And all I wanted to give Atie was a comforting hug and sorry for not being there.

I read her blog a few days ago, found out that her mum was hospitalised again. Had wanted to ask about it, but didnt had the chance due to the piling work. But it was just yesterday morning that I read about her mum being discharged. So I thought, she had recovered. Her mum was a fighter, and I was very sure she had wanted to fight on to see her children get married this year end.

What I missed was Atie's latest entry about her mum being hospitalised again. Reading those words especially after her mum's passing on, made me cry. Those words...

My dearest Atie, sesungguhnya Allah lebih menyayangi ibumu. Penderitaannya di dunia ini telah berakhir dan redhakan lah pemergiannya. Bersabar dan tabahkan hatimu sesungguhnya perjalananmu di dunia ini masih jauh.

Moga rohnya ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman. Amin.

Salam Takziah dari aku dan kawan-kawan. *Big Hug*

P/s: Call me if you need any help or a listening ear. Aku sayang kau k!!

2008-09-13T17:31:00.001+08:00

I am forcing myself to finish up my upcoming presentation's slides. Reading have been completed but putting thoughts into words in an uphill task.

I need help!!!

2008-09-12T12:05:00.003+08:00

The week has been a little draggy. The race to finish the essay and journal occupied the first two days of the week. But what comes after that was even more irritating and frustrating!

It happened on Wednesday during the class that my essay was due. Well, in black and white, it is written that my essay was due on that day. But, somehow, that arse tutor thought, "the class is getting dull, so why don't I create some jokes to spice their life?"

But honestly, his joke wasn't anywhere funny or amusing. Instead it got almost all of us in the class frustrated. His jokes goes something like this...." Where are all your essays? You are supposed to submit it last week."

This was where the ferocious me, erupted! What does he meant when our essays was due on Topic 3 presentation day? If it was really true, wasn't it his onus to remind us again on Week 2? But the point here is, there wasn't any consensus that we are all in for the idea of submitting the essays on that week! It was just him and his idea. That was because he wanted to avoid marking so many essays on the last week.

But, here is my point. Whatever arrangements you want to make with your students, have it black and white. Most importantly, have our agreement. But here, you are trying to go against your course co-ordinator arrangements for your own benefit without consulting us, the people who have to complete our essays and at the same time, bogged down with our other assignments?!

Also, it is ur F**!@#YY#G onus to mark the number of essays and assignments that come your way. So what if you've got 4 classes to handle? If you can't, then don't agree on taking 4 classes! Why do we have to be put at a disadvantage position?! Mind you, you're being paid to do this!

And, what does he meant when he said that draggy 2 hours presentation was the best he had seen so far even before they presented?! In the first place, we didn't even had a proper chance to meet him up. And when we got to meet him, it was less than 20 minutes, our ideas being rejected like as if we were some primary 1 kids trying to embark on our very own grand project!

It really hurts us.. having put in so much effort and time to do our research, without getting much help from him but marking us down like we are rubbish! Apparently, my group wasn't the only one who went through this agony. But another group that I knew went through this agony as well.

And after what happened.... I asked myself, am I in the right track? Have I picked the right career choice? I mean, here we are trying to upgrade ourselves, trying to be impartial in our judgements and assessing our students' work but there they are a majority of tutors who doesn't even know the meaning of 'impartial'!

Why bother making us go through these agony of assignments and project work and whatnots when the tutors or lecturers can't even give a proper assessments?!

Those who work hard are always not duly rewarded.. but at the end of the day, I tell myself this.. " Those who gets the grades will not be the ones who make the best teachers. And those who can get good grades are those who might not be the ones who can teach!"

Enough said and I am sure when the time comes... I will definitely leave this service if this case of favourtism and backstabbing goes on any longer!

2008-09-09T20:36:00.002+08:00

Week 6 of school has commenced. And I am getting suffocated with the amount of assignments that never since to end despite the efforts and sheer determination put in to complete each and every single piece.

I have completed my DED essay and my journal entries. But, as much as I have completed those assignments, there are plenty more in the pipeline awaiting to be completed and also many more that is coming my way.

I have one presentation up next week, after which we have to submit our presentation in an essay form of at least 2500 words. Then, there will be at least 2-3 more group presentations, one essay and several lesson plans to churn out plus some other assignments needed to be completed.

I need all the strength that is left in me to continue this journey. And I am so frigging tired!

2008-09-06T21:31:00.002+08:00

"i ckp je i prnh nmpk u pi,i tk knl u..i nk knl2 ngn u lau u tk keberatan.."

One of the most lame pick up line that landed in my facebook inbox. Seriously, if you want to get to know me, just say it straight, why do you need to go one big round, saying that you've seen me before, etc? Really lame.

Ok, I am more lame cos I actually put this up on my blog! Haha.. I am really bored to death cos I need to finish my essay before sun rise tomorrow. I barely started. I've got so much to say in the essay but just couldn't put my thoughts into words. It's so depressing..

On the other hand, the other piece of assignment that have caused so much tension is over and done with. I've submitted it and washed my hands off it. I am feeling so relieved that it is over!

It's raining right now, the body is shouting for SLEEP! But, I gotta focus.. focus.. focus!

On Friday morning, before going to school, I managed to catch 40 winks and suddenly I dreamt of him. Wondering what does that dream means... What I know is.. I am slowly trying to get rid of that crush on him cos there is no point going after something that I know I had no chance of.

Call me a pessimist, if you must. But, I am just being realistic. Ok, I want to try embarking on my essay... gotta read up notes on linguistik too!

2008-09-05T01:44:00.002+08:00

I am in the situation whereby my emotions is building up to the point that I can have an emotional outburst. I am not sure if it just me over reacting or is it because some people are just out to irritate hell out of me. I am really sick and tired with some people's attitude. It just set me thinking about my current group mates. The group of people whom I met and clicked with by accident last semester. I am so blessed to have them as my group members!

Like how we worked together to pull of the hardest piece of assignment together, helping out one another in other assignments, reminding each other of datelines and so on. But on the other hand, some people out of me clique just loves to take advantage of me and others. Is it so hard to be rational and make some sacrifice instead of setting out to cause inconvenience in other people's life?

They said, money is the root of all evil. Indeed, some people are so farking selfish when it comes to money. For me, I do not mind sharing my money, though I am not filthy rich. I do not think twice when spending my money on people whom I loved and cared for. But please do not take advantage of my kindness. There is a limit to my patience. Though I do not expect you to repay my kindness, neither do I expect you to come to me only when you needed help. And to what have happened, I am going to learn my lesson.

Hopefully, after tomorrow... everything will be over. After tomorrow, I will be free. If you're tired, I am tired as well. If you say you need money to survive, I need it to for I don't survive on air. If you say you need time for your family and yourself, all the more I say I need that TIME for I too have my family and friends to think for. And just to simply put it, I am after all a human being. There is a limit to everything.

The week have not been a good start. Probably, seeing Adik's cries have spoilt my week. As often as we love to fight and irritates the hell of each other, but we love each other. I love the times when adik nags to show his concerns or the times when he just sticks to me.

And of course, peppered in with several other issues that took place during class just pissed the hell outta me! And to add on to the misery... this f^$*$king issue have to happen. I am tired and really really tired to be bothered.

Even to know about the likelihood of the permanent posting doesn't makes thing any easier. Not to say that I dislike the place but rather I visualised myself playing the role of a permanent staff when I do come back for my 10 weeks' attachment.

Whatever ... all I need to tell myself is to FOCUS. If I keep on giving in to people, who will give in to me? Tell me, somebody!

2008-09-02T18:49:00.002+08:00

Somehow... I am feeling shitty right now. So many things have got to happen at the same time and I am also stressed out with my assignments date lines. Why do things have to turn out this way? Why must I take the blame for the things that have to happen? Sometimes, I do regret taking this path. How nice it would be if I had just let him take me away 2 years ago?

Well, this is what happened when you defy all odds. And though some of the things that happened are not my fault, I am in a way affected and will be held responsible. I am really sick of all these. Honestly. Will I be able to withstand this obstacle once again?

Ya Allah, give me the strength to continue cos I believe that there's a blessing in disguise.

On another note, I am not sure if this is a good news or not.. but being offered a permanent posting even before graduation is an achievement. But yes, it comes with a price. Now what do I do now? Let's just wait... They can only plan for me, at the end of the day... it's me who will decide.

With all these shitty nonsense going on... I am beginning to miss you alot. But I know, its really impossible for us to be together. I will just try to forget you and I hope, as easily as I had developed a crush for you, I will also try to forget you as easily. I am trying... and all those laughters will hide the sadness in my eyes.

Just tell me why this have to happen and why it happened to me?!

2008-09-01T22:32:00.002+08:00

I don't know why I am so freaking sleepy today. Probably because I had the worst week last week. Last week was my worst week ever since I first stepped into NIE about a year ago. I had 4 presentations last week; 2 being on Tuesday and 1 each on Wednesday and Thursday. The Wednesday's presentation was worth 50% weightage which alhamdullilah I managed to pull it off albeit doing it almost single handedly. On the other hand, the Thursday's presentation was a killer. And because of that, I lost a lot of sleep over that presentation. In the end, I felt that I didn't contribute much for that presentation. Still feeling guilty over that.. And it was on that fateful Thursday too that I was duped into attending a talk! And it was on that occasion too, that I developed a crush on him! Dang!!

And, I came back to school on Friday for some discussion and an orientation session. Made my way to pick Adik after that. And I didn't sleep till about 1-ish but woke up quite early on Saturday cos of the Wild Wild Wet thingy. As usual, Adik had so much fun to the extent that he fell asleep on the TUBE!

Albeit the short break with Adik, I am satisfied. Really can't wait for the next long break!!

2008-08-30T21:39:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I mentioned about developing a crush on that someone. Today, his image kept on playing on my mind. I don't know why this has to happen. I thought, the doors to my heart has long been closed.

Actually, it all started sometime in March or April where I kept on bumping into him quite often. But, I managed to shove it away cos probably at that time, the doors to my heart was till safely locked. However, recently things just changed.

What makes me have a crush on him when in the first place, he never even made it into my criteria list. Perhaps, it's all fated. I seriously hope this is just a short lived crush cos I know this is not going to get me anywhere..

Let me focus on my work for now.. Datelines and Assignments are waiting in line albeit the sleepy and tired eyes!

2008-08-30T00:42:00.002+08:00

Last night, I had a short chat with the partner. Been a long long time since we had a decent chat. The last I talked to him was via sms about 3 months back. It had been a long while indeed.

He told me to slow down a bit and create a breathing space for now. He told me not to stress myself unnecessarily. And, he told me that he had resigned from his current designation to venture on a greener pasture. I am so proud of you!!

On another note, I think I had unsuccessfully shoved off the presence of that someone! Sheesh! I kept on telling myself that its a NO but lately, things just changed and for all I know, I am slowly developing a crush on him. And just now, while we were joking around, he made himself clear and clarified all the jokes and the underlying meanings. Why does he need to that in the first place?

I hope this feeling is just momentarily. But I had not taken his image outta my mind since this evening..... LOLz!

2008-08-25T18:46:00.002+08:00

Everything is just going so wrong at the moment. Assignments are coming in my way like some tsunami attack and to make matter worst, I have group members who I think I am better off without them. Honestly.

Its ain't nice bitching about others' work attitude but one of my friend agreed that this group member of mine is of no initiatives! Well, he can so more cos he know's her well before I did. And so anyway, anything more about them just kept my blood boils.

Imagine... how I tried compressing 45 pages of slides into 10 FUCKING pieces?! You know that there is a difference between presentation slides and data collection?! Apparently, some people don't and I got to do the dirty job and sacrifice my weekends.

And in moments like these, I will question myself, "Is my level of English that bombastic; to the extent that people have difficulties understanding it?! or "Is my level of English that atrocious to the point that people couldn't make any sense to the message that I need to deliver?!"

Simply put, the partner once said that my level of English is profound. Like whatever.. In my opinion, they are just plain lazy!!

These days, every little things that happen will make me frustrated and easily agitated. I need to relax!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-23T23:54:00.002+08:00

In my world of fantasy, school has barely started. Week 3 has ended. That means minus off the first week of modules introduction, it had only been 2 weeks since school started. But from the moment I stepped into campus 3 weeks ago, the mad rush started as if this is week 7 of school!

Its really crazy right now. Just don't ask me why I still have the time to blog if I am really busy. But if you've realised.. it had been days since I last post an entry. I just need a medium to let go of my frustrations. Simply put, I am pissed off!

I am having 4 presentations on this coming week. Two of the presentations are a killer for some known reasons. I am done with the Lesson plan presentation. But I am really zilch on the Sastera presentation. Gonna be dead just like the author of the text I am analyzing right now!

I really need a break AGAIN! Things is going mad... talking about that, where is my entry no.3?! Zilch, not completed! Can I declared brain dead?! I hate this mad rush... So many things to do yet so little time to satisfy all these assignments!

I am super sleepy........ I need my Sleep. Don't deprive me of my sleep or else I would be cranky!!

2008-08-19T19:14:00.002+08:00

I think God is fair in whatever He allocated our shares in life. For every little things we do, it always come back to us. For instance, when we do good things to others or when we put in efforts in our work, we will be rewarded equally. But if we are selfish, lazy and always relying on your luck, never in the world is God going to help you forever. Not even if you think you can use your looks but not the brain cells.

I am a firm believer in karma. I can be giving yet I do not expect my sincere acts to be rewarded. However, I know that one day God will reward me fairly and equally. Even if he doesn't, it doesn't really matter cos I know I have done my part as a human being.

Honestly speaking, for the past one year.. the hard work that I've put in has not really been rewarded in terms of grades because of other factors pertaining to the system. But in a way God gave me my rewards in other forms which is of more worth than anything else. And today, somehow I am happy cos some people who have been riding on their luck has been brought down to the face of Earth!

I am not being a smirk but I just want them to realise that not all the time that you will get favoured by the people of the highest authority. Not all the time that you can use words to sweet talk your superiors. There are times where your work speaks more volume than anything else. I have been there and done that. I have been some teachers' pet before. And I have been ignored totally despite getting good grades just because I wasn't a male.. But I took all these in my stride cos I know, sincerity and hard work will matter most at the end of the day.

Ok, time to focus.. let's ignore what these people think!

2008-08-17T23:40:00.002+08:00

Many months back, I got this very weird dream. Very very weird dream. Scary too, I must say. And recently... just about a few days ago, I heard it from my mum that this thing did happened. Only the case was, in that dream, the setting was my house and it was a case of mistaken identity. But in reality, it happened to someone related to me.

I am really sorry that it has to happen. And of all people, it has to happen to you, someone whom despite the feud, the people around us is having, remains closed to me. I am not gloating over the incident, but just want to remind you people that there's karma. What goes around comes around. So do not ever gloat over other people's misfortune. And I hope, things are ok now for you and family. I might not be much of a help but if you do need my help in one way or another.. I will be there.

I rest my case... I never want to dream anymore... cos most of the time it turns out to be a sign.

2008-08-15T22:56:00.003+08:00

What am I supposed to be doing now....

1. Read my DED notes and get ready for the upcoming presentation.
2. Read my Sejarah Melayu and get the information sorted out for next week presentation.
3. Edit my two LP for presentation and individual assignment.
4. Decide my Linguistik assignment and also get ready for next week lecture.
5. FOCUS!!!

But what have I been doing......?

1. Surf the webby.
2. Not doing anything mentioned above.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now what?! I have been really been a social butterfly. Been going out as often as almost everyday. For the last two weeks, the only day that I didn't go out was yesterday. The rest of those 13 days... I have been out! Yes, even on weekends which is a rarity. But it happened. It's going to happen again this weekend. And next weekend too! And, EPL is here again!! Hopefully that gives me a reason to stay home over the weekends and focus on my school work.

Who's going to be the champions this season...?? As much as I would lurve Man Utd to clinch the trophy again, I would lurve to see how they start their season before predicting anything. I am so waiting to oogle at Owen Hargreaves again! But he's injured. Hope he's recovering soon enough for me to oogle! Hehe..

Ooh I heard a public holiday is on the card if Singapore wins a Gold medal at the Olympics. Does a gold medal constitutes to one day of holiday each? So if Singapore wins to Gold medals, we get two public holidays?! Let's continue to dream!

2008-08-13T17:20:00.002+08:00

There is something that I want to let off! This is meant for that someone. Let this be a message sent to you BY me and me ALONE!

Let me make things clear to you as clear as the blue skies we have been seeing for the past few days. First and foremost, I dun care if you're interested in him or not. Let me reiterate, I am NOT interested. Secondly, my relationship with him is just barely as acquaintance. Despite being seen together often in the past, we're now no longer on that friendly terms anymore ever since he got his own transportation. Thirdly, stop behaving as if he's interested in you. And lastly, please behave yourself and look after your dignity as a woman!

Ok, I am pissed off by this certain someone. I have been tolerating her childish behaviour for almost a year now. But today, I am going to blog about her cos I am really really upset. And to the guy, my once upon a time acquaintance, I don't owe you anything. It's up to you if you want to be with any girl in the universe. And.. I think she's just the choice for you. Pick her and leave me alone. Thank you!

2008-08-12T22:34:00.003+08:00

It has been almost a week since I last updated. I had been pretty busy with my social engagement. Haha. Ever since the new semester begins, I have yet to settle down with the new time-table. There are days that I got easily confused with my own time-table.

So anyway, what have I been up to for the past 7 days or so...? It has been chilling sessions with friends, family and the small partner in crime. And, with the long weekends to celebrate the nation's 43rd year of independence, my hols officially started on Wednesday 06th August as of 4.30 pm.

On Saturday, my cousins, nephews, nieces and I went to The Padang. It had been a while since I went out with the cousins and that was the first time that I went out with one of my male cousin after God knows when. And, I really had fun that day. After that, we had dinner at KTM. Sad to say.. food standards there has deteriorated. But that cute guy is still there.. so I am somewhat appeased. Haha!

I spent the weekends at my cousin's place albeit just a night caused I had planned to some readings on Sunday night and meeting Atie on Monday. Somehow, the plans didn't really worked out as I wished it could. The small partner in crime a.k.a my small boyfriend decided to tag along to my place.

Though I love him to bits for all the nonsense he had been up to, we quarreled and fought a lot too. And, in terms of being obsessive, he's worst than my very first boyfriend whom I had dumped because he was controlling my life. But luckily, Adik is just a stubborn lil boy whom people have to go along with his nonsense. Or else, I would have dump him long long time ago. Hehe!

Some of the irritating stuff that Adik will try to come up with will be things like.. Why didn't I button up my last button, Why do I wear nice shoes even if I were going to school? What am I wearing after a shower? Whether I am going out for some fun after a shower? And all the other whys.. like why do I have to print out my lecture notes?!

It had been fun having him around though he's an irritating menace lurking around. Haha.. I am thinking to bring him for another swim next week before the fasting month begins. And, the fireworks exhibition! I guess.. next week will be my last week of fun and socialising activities before I start serious work. Oooh... I need to focus! Hope there's e-learning week for DED the week after next.. then at least I dun have to think so much for the presentation! Hehe..

2008-08-07T14:44:00.003+08:00

Earlier, the NSC gave me a call. Got a fright for a moment. Because, for all I know.. TA has ended. For all I know.. I had stayed back in school for the longest time ever on Monday for the de-brief cum sharing session. And for all I know.. it's all but over!

And having 2 missed calls within a short space of time doesn't help either. So, I called her back. And the question she asked me was.. "When is your next class?" Hmmz... it got me thinking.. "Was my file in a mess?" Yes, blame it on me cos I didn't even bother to look at it once more before submission. Hehe. Or did I make a grave mistake somewhere along that 5 weeks stint. Hmmz..

Well my questions are answered in some half an hour later. Nothing serious. I am fine. It's just some opinions that the NSC wanted to get from me. And if everything turns out well, I will be doing some sharing session with the Asatizahs with my fellow group mates. How cool is that?! I would love to hear and see for myself what these Asatizahs have to say about the way they conduct their classes and all. It's a learning point.

Ok.. everything is fine now. I gotta pull myself together and remain focus till 17th Nov at least. As much as I would love to be in NIE, the amount of assignments awaiting me despite it being only week 1, is really piling up like nobody's business. I would like to do as much as I can before the datelines cos I have other agendas on my list. And, this is the only way for me to fulfill my unwritten promise. There will be only 3 words on my mind right now. Focus. Unwritten promise.

That's it.

2008-08-05T18:38:00.002+08:00

I think the time has come. I think I am ready for it. Haha... Forever saying the same old phrase but backing out at the very last minute! How nice! Anyway, time will tell.

Its only Day 2 of the first semester of the second and final year. I could feel the heat... Despite the hehe and haha moments, I could feel stressed out the moment I step into a lecture or tutorial class. The 4 months hiatus has some what caused me to be reacting worst than a 512 mb ram. I need to get my momentum right la.. and to start doing my readings or anything along that line. But I still have at least a busy 3 weekends ahead. How am I going to handle this? Can I clear this smoothly?! Ok, let's focus.. Start on my reading as early as tonight. And with the high chances that classes for the week will conclude by tomorrow.. I will be a happy lady! Ooh and one more thing, I will try to do my reading for Sastera by tomorrow too. Will be away over the weekends, so I really need to make full good use of my time on Thurs and Fri.

Somehow, I am pressured by the English modules. Somehow, I seemed to lose touch on my command of English. Somehow, I no longer am interested to bask in the limelight to start on class participation. And somehow... I seemed to be conversing in Malay during my English modules but conversing in fluent English during my Malay modules! What the heck has happened to me?!

Tomorrow.. I'll have a super long day. With 3 hours break in between. Tomorrow.. I will make a trip to the library to collect my book. Tomorrow.. I will have a long night trying to read my books. And tomorrow, I will start embarking on my resolution to fulfill that unwritten promise to the bestest partner. Really.. I better start doing something or else that promise could never be fulfilled.

And today? Ooh... I will do my lesson plan for the tutorial assignment. My lecturer is placing 5% for class participation. It is this kind of marks that really help to bring up the grades. Ok, time to be serious!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-04T20:14:00.003+08:00

First day back to campus after 4 months of hiatus. Could feel the pressure now. So many things to clear in less than 13 weeks. Shit. Can I do this??! I am not sure why suddenly I feel so demoralised. Not sure why sudddenly my morale dropped despite having much confidence days before. How am I going to fulfill that unwritten promise if I stick on to this mentality?!

And suddenly, I felt that my command for the English Language have gone down to the drain. Its really upsetting to find myself in such a situation. But then again, who's to blame? 5 weeks of pure Bahasa Baku with the exception of writing my reflections in English, its kind of affected my grasp for the language. Or probably, the lack of usage has been the cause of it. Whatever my reasons are, I gotta pull my socks for the Communications skills module. Or else, I will suffer the brunt of it!

*****************

Just called Adik a few minutes ago. We had another 'argument'. He blamed me for not bringing him over to my place last night. And I teased him about his so called girlfriend "Sofea". Haha.. Cuteness la adik! How can I not love you to bits when all you do is to irritate the hell outta me??

2008-08-03T23:37:00.002+08:00

As I penned down my thoughts, it would be another 23 minutes before the 3 months long break comes to its official conclusion. It really amazes me on how 3 months came and left just like that!

Adik came over to stay at my place for a week. On Monday he fell sick while I had just recovered but on Tuesday, I was down with fever again. I knew I was going to fall sick when I felt different while shopping at Vivo.

Hence, we did nothing on Wednesday, as I recover from the sickening fever. Off for a swim on Thurday and a trip to Popeye's. It was to Plaza Singapura on Friday for some shopping. Fireworks galore on Saturday and to Plaza Singapura again to settle some stuff.

Today, I sent Adik home. He cried when I left but I had no choice cos reality kicks in tomorrow! Back to school!! Happy? Excited?! Haha.. neither. I just wanna continue slacking.

Staying in school till evening tomorrow! How cool is that?! Two English modules on my list... I hope I can enjoy these modules.. !

Tomorrow... I'll start my quest to fulfill that unwritten promise. Tomorrow... I'll continue this journey all by myself without your company ever again. Tomorrow... I'll try to relive that memories of yesterday. And at the end of the semester, I'll show you that the promise I've made is nothing but the truth!

2008-08-01T00:10:00.003+08:00

Today, was one of those depressing morning that I woke up to. Firstly, I slept after 12 am last night but at about 2 am I woke up to answer nature's call (which happens rarely). Den at 5.15 am my alarm rang (that was meant for my TA stingt and cos I couldn't be bothered to reset the alarm.. that explains why). Barely 2 hours later I was already awake cos that blardy mosquito was creating tatoos on my left arm! Thanks to the neighbour la.. he bought new plants and thus inviting mosquitoes to my house! Damn!

But anyway, back to my depressing morning.. like I've said previously, I don't function that early in the morning but I dunno why suddenly this morning the long ago ex-bf's images came flashing right in front of my eyes. And as I reflect on those years.. I think I was really blind to fall for him. Seriously and honestly, I don't know why I even bothered to waste time on him. Yeah, like I've said maybe because I was blind then. And today, as I stepped into his area... those memories flooded back and it seemed like only yesterday. But, I dun give it a damn anymore. My point here is to say that I was blind then.

On a lighter note... a fren's fren has offered me an opportunity to return to the netball world. Now, I am contemplating about this opportunity cos trainings are on Mondays from 8-10 pm. Not confident of myself to commit. And, with the school's time-table not out yet till probably tomorrow, I wonder if I could slot this in. I am very tempted to play the sport again ever since the school I was posted to, won the nationals final. Hope I can work this out...

Till then... I dun want to taint my happy and fun Thursday outing with this depressing post. Will continue later in an another post.

2008-07-30T12:05:00.002+08:00

Feeling slightly better with the fever's gone but the spinning head is still bugging the hell outta me. Whatever plans that have been lined up for this week has to be cancelled it seemed. And I foresee that there will be alot of squeezing of activities over the next few days due to the unforeseen circumstances.

These days I am becoming an early bird. Probably the 5 weeks long of rising at 5.30 am daily has somehow became part of me for now. There is this saying that goes, the early birds catch the worms but in my case, whenever I managed to wake up early during this week, I get utterly depressed cos I do not know what to do once I am awake. My brain do not function that early either and it gets even more depressing when I tried to put myself to sleep again but failed to.

Right now, I am still awaiting for the release of the sem's time-table. It's very frustrating to wait and wait without any signs that it will be released any time soon though we probably have only 2 days left (if you minus off today and the weekends) before the sem's starts.

I could feel the pressure right now.. I saw a glimpse of the course outline for the English modules and yes, there will be lots of presentations on the cards. Will I be able to emulate those previous grades for this sem? Hopefully, that will be the case. Lol.

I will have busy weekends ahead. Two weekends which have been fully occupied have been fulfilled.. but there will probably be another 4-5 more of busy weekends to fulfill. So much to do yet so little time on hand. Haiz..

Time really flies when you're doing nothing.. but how come it never seems to end when we are swarmed with work and pressure?? Next sem's timetable is so going to suck BIG time! Hate it. Period.

2008-07-29T18:05:00.002+08:00

So blogger decides to play prank on me! Somehow it says that I'd exceeded the bandwidth. Funny! In the end, I had to change my skin which translates to some childish one. Ok, I had dificulties searching for one actually. I am making do with this for the moment.

As I type this post, I am feeling feverish. So much of hoping for a day's MC.. Now I am on 5 day's MC on my very much deserved week's break! Bummer!

2008-07-25T17:22:00.003+08:00

And so... TA has ended. Though it seemed like it had been a long while, however it was actually gone before I knew it. There goes my afternoon walk.. From Wilkie Road to Robinsons on some days, to Plaza Singapura on another day, to becoming a regular customer at Bras Basah Complex. On lazy days, I would just walked down to Fortune Centre to get home. There will also be days when I would waked down to Funan from school. That's how I self-entertained myself during the last 5 weeks.

As much as I couldn't wait for this agony to end, I also has hoped that this experience could continue. I'll miss everything about school and all. But I won't missed any of those early morning wake up alarms! Haha..

So the gals did surprised me in their own way. Kinda surprising to read their cards with words that touched my heart. How weird that they had develop to be fond of me despite the short 5 weeks. And despite the moments where I scolded them to the max, they could still be fond of me. And that's how innocent kids are.

Yesterday after school ended, had the last long chat with one of the CT. She told me that if I were to come back for a permanent posting there, I would have to be the ML coordinator. I guess its still too early to say all this stuff. I'd yet to go thru my second year nor my TP, so we shall save all these speculations till the time comes.

Bade goodbyes to the SCM, colleagues and 'neighbour' before meeting the VP ystr. She's a nice lady after all. So all in all, it had been an enriching experience albeit those stressful days.

My SCM and one of my CT was sweet. They each gave me a token each. And the students too. Now, I have a collection of red pens of different brands and designs. I have a cute beetle stapler courtesy of my SCM and a beautiful bracelet with some Swarovski crystals and polish pearls.

And, it was raining when I left school with my sidekicks. And we flagged down a cab since the 2 of us were going down to Bugis while another one of us was going to Marina. I bought lunch from Tong Seng since my mum wasn't working so she won't be buying food. And after that I walked down to City Hall despite the rain and big bags that I was carrying.

When I got home, I was done with flu. Just as how I had hoped for. I was praying hard that I would fall sick so that I can get MC and skipped the seminar today. But, I got more than I had hoped for. The doctor gave me 2 days MC. Cool!

So, I am on MC today and tomorrow. I had my blood test taken today as well. Since I was at the doctor, I might as well get it done. To my horror, I looked at the lady who as she took my blood. I was only thinking that she would take a drop or something, that was what I remembered when I did my blood test 5 years ago. But, how wrong I was! She took a test tube full of blood. I almost fainted but I don't know where I got the courage to just look on at the process. Now, My left arm is feeling very weak.

I went to sleep without taking any medication when I got back from the doctor. I was so drowsy even without the medication. Now that I am awake, I am trying to finish my last reflection before I eat my medication and continue my sleep.

Wanna clean my room later tonight cos Adik is coming over. A week of fun and fight. I like! But first, gotta recover well first.

2008-07-22T23:11:00.002+08:00

Out of the 5 Tuedays I had during the TA period, today gotta be one of the best of all. Why? Because, there isn't any contact time today and the P treated us to lunch! Haha. Ok, that's not the reason actually.

Anyways, I had my final observation today. Alhamdullilah, everything went on fine except once again, the gals always do not give reactions. And of course, it just arouse the tigress in me yet again!

And today, I was so god damn tired and weak from all the sneezing yesterday as well as the medication effects. My throat is hurting maybe cos the tonsils is swollen. However, when the CT said I had done well for the observations, I felt a sense of achivements and it certainly made my day. Cos, I am officially going to declare my honeymoon phase!

The day was made even sweeter when I found out that there wasnt any contact time but there will be lunch! Haha! But I dun mind not having the lunch part . The most exciting part was the cancellation of contact time which just mean that I could get my afternoon nap and get rid of my fatigue. That was just what I did when I got home this afternoon.

Got most of my stuff cleared. Well, there's more actually. Will get it done by Thursday cos if possible, I do not want to bring anything back on Fri. I wanna cheong after school!! It's so going to be over! Goodbye stress, for at least another week or two.

2008-07-21T16:21:00.002+08:00

Been a few days since I last updated. Been kinda busy with school stuff and duties. And so, surprisingly, I managed to clear week 4! Went thru one official observation with the NSC and 3 recordings for MOE! Even Mediacorp artistes do not go through such a tormenting moments. Well, I did and I survived. There will be another lesson observation tomorrow and I am pretty slacked right now. Will do the prep in a while. Just need to execute the ideas I had in mind and plant that 'praise my students no matter how small their efforts are' mentality on my mind!

After tomorrow, I'll be literally free from my responsibilities. It will be time to clear my work station and get ready to cheong on Friday! As much as I am on a slack mode this week, however the tigress in me has yet to die. I can still scold my gals though I don't shout. I just love that reserve psychology thingy. Lol!

And so, last Friday I went home quite early and slept pretty early too. Honestly, I am sleep deprived and my body clock is out of order yet again! It seems like the body knows that I am going back to NIE thus, it functions the usual way it has always been. Imagine, sleeping at 3-4 ish in the morning yet being able to wake up at 7 am and the cycle continues..? Partly, this is why I am kinda tired lately.

So I woke up at 5.30 am on Sat having slept at 8 pm the day before and waking up at 1.30 am bedore sleeping again at 3.30 am. Yeah, very confusing but that was what happened over the weekends. I continued watching some movie on YouTube before doing my reflection and reading the papers. So, after I keyed in the last words to my reflection, it was time to shower and get ready for the NE show.

The gates of heaven decided to open up upon reaching school. And it opened up again 15 minutes before the show ended. So, its kinda a wet NDP show/rehearsal. (Photos have been uploaded on my multiply though many are still on my hard disk.) Left school at about 10 pm and reached home about an hour later. Had a nice warm shower before hitting the sack at 3.30 am. And was awake by 7 am the very next day. Urgh...!

Went for facial with the sleeping partner. Haha. And I really had good sleep while having my facial! We went to Lil' India and Far East yesterday. Quite happening cos we 'played' live Mario games (if you know what I mean) and 'reminiscing' BKK with the food spread at Nana Thai. And shopped at Mustafa. Macam TA dah over like that! Hahaha..

And so, today was Racial harmony day. Guess the theme for the school this year was Punjabi costumes as everyone was almost decked in one. The cutest was the PE department when each of the teachers wore sarong and singlet plus sticking moustaches. With the Good Morning towel at hand, really looked like the mamak selling teh sarbat and kacang putih. Hahha.

Yes, 4 days to go... I am counting down real hard. Praying hard to fall sick on Sat so that I can get MC and skip the seminar. Want to go JB on Sunday and fetch adik after that. Adik, lets have fun again!!!

2008-07-17T17:54:00.002+08:00

As hectic as week 4 started, the week gonna end as busy as it started. I am so gonna be dead, really!

And, I have this feelings that this week seemed pretty long! Well, 6 more days and everything will be history. I gotta hang in there...

So, why did I say the week will end with another busy time? Well, I gotta re-do the recording cos of the technical glitch.. I am so bored with the recording thingy! Only God knows how tired I am, having already gone through 2 recordings... The CTs said I look natural on video. Well, I gotta agree with the first recording. But during the second recording, I was stiff caused I'd already lost momentum and fatigue has sets in. So, explain the stiffness in me.

And, apart from that, I gotta plan for week 5's lessons cos I am going solo next week. And, one observation on the card next Tuesday.. and now I kinda of on a honeymoon period. Hehehe.. Saturday will be burnt cos I am accompanying the P5 gals for their NE show. My NE co-ordinator rocks big time la! She tried to find spaces to fit me and my friends in, so sweet of her. And of course, I gotta do my reflections. I so going to be dead la... Bila nak game ni semua??!

Today, the CT treated me and the other CT to briyani at Islamic Restaurant. The briyani portioning is super huge! And I tried my very best to finish the food though 1. I am no fan to briyani. 2. I am no fan to rice 3. I feel so bloated. As I am typing this, I am still feeling so full! Ok, I am super sleepy.. gotta do some research.

2008-07-14T18:34:00.002+08:00

The lesson observation went pretty well, I must say. Well, perhaps according to the NSC's standard. But in my eyes, I kinda screwed it up! And I am really upset. Thank you gals for making my observation a failure! This is one reason, I lurve teaching boys!! Naughty as they might be, still I can managed them better. I rather have the naughtiest bunch of boys compared to the most angelic and demure gals!!

If I could bring myself to tell the truth to the NSC, I would have blurted everything out. However, because I do not want to have a bad relationship with the people involved, I decided to keep it in myself and tolerate with all these sufferings till at least for another 9 more days! If I had went through 15 days already, what is another 9 days?? Am I right?

So anyway, I was given good comments except for my lesson planning which yeah, I know its my fault. Cos I wasnt told what to teach and focus on for today. And honestly, there wasnt clear communication on the time-table and so on... yeah so I am going to put this observation aside and improve on my weak areas.

I am thankful to God that I had a very nice and a wonderful supervisor. She called me last night to reassure me that everything is going on fine and I need not worry. She told me this is just one of the very first observation that I will go through and there are many more. There isnt any grade to be given so I needn't be that stressful. She could sensed that I wasnt myself last night and this morning she asked me again if I am alright. At the end of the lesson, she told me my stress is over, but I told not as yet cos today is a long Monday for me with the recording to go on later in the day.

And to make my day even worse, my P4s... disappointed me greatly when they make me do retake after retakes. Kaoz! Gals, I am so damn tired k... and tomorrow you people better dun make me lose face again! And do you gals know how pressurising it is to be watched by other people for the recording?! Please k gals... you ppl better not disappoint me!

Ooh the official time clocked for the sleeping hours was 8 hours in two days! I was trembling during this morning's assembly. And weirdly enough, I became awake after the observation! Yeah, if I did not become awake... only God knows what will happen. Haha...

Today... I so going to sleep to my hearts' content! Tmr.. I will resume work. That's me, more often than not, loves to declare unofficial holidays!

2008-07-13T15:36:00.002+08:00

I am going to blog what's on my mind right now before getting back to my lesson preparations in a short while. I need at least 2 hours break to read the papers as well. As you read it right, I have yet to read today's paper though it is already way past half past three in the afternoon!

As you know, I am undergoing an immensely amount of pressure right now. Ever since last Friday, to be exact. Life have been turned upside down out of a sudden. And, honestly speaking... since TA starts, the weekends are spent at home in front of the PC trying to finish up whatever work that is pending and planning for upcoming weeks' resources. And, not to mention.. weekly reflections!

Like I mentioned earlier, I cried last Thursday cos I could no longer stand the pressure I was facing. And some things happened on that day as well, so understandably, this Piscean here became emotionally disturbed and the only solution was to have a good cry.

I slept late into the night on Thursday though I had school on Friday morning. I tried with all my might to finish up my slides so that I could do a dry run with my girls on the very next day. I thnaked Nad, for helping me to find and convert a Tamil song. At the same time she introduced me to a webby which had made my job slightly easier. However, I couldn't finished the slide on time due to technical glitches but other than that most of the resources were ready.

I had put aside family obligations just to get things done. But, my hard work and commitments weren't appreciated. In fact, she gave me a smirk look when I told her the truth that the slides aren't ready cos of some technical glitches. Cos of that, I am hurt. I am not asking for anything, I am not asking for returns but all I need was an understanding from her.

All these stuff that I did are supposedly meant to be their work. But, here I am helping them out and there they are getting the name for this. I dun care if this happens cos at the end of the day I am just carrying out my responsibility. But, at least.. learnt to understand my current situation. After all, I am just human. I have feelings and I need my life.

There is nothing in this world that is a surety. We, as human propose BUT it is God who disposes. You might think that I am your permanent replacement, but at the end of the day this will be confirmed and decided only upon my graduation in a year's time. I am not your slave driver for God's sake!

And yeah, one more thing.. that guy from Singnet was really a screwed up case! He told me on Wednesday that my Windows were corrupted but I had this strong feeling that he doesnt know what he's doing or saying! So, I consulted Kevin and we met up today. I was right, that nothing was actually wrong with my lappy. And, because of that time was wasted and many things were left undone. Just imagine the agony I went thru thinking that my lappy was in deep trouble?!

And since I was at Vivo this afternoon, I went to run some errands and got stuff for my observation tomorrow as well as the recording. And, I am OFFICIALLY BROKE! AM just thinking if I should claim from my LDS fund or just wait for iPhone to be sold here and use that fund to cover the cost...

I slept at 3.30 am this morning BUT was jerk out of my sleep at 7 am!! And I have been awake since then! I really have a lot of stuff to print and prepare... so I guess, I will end it here and start reading the papers before I start work again!

I wanna get my beauty sleept tonight. Wanna look good for the sup and also the recording! Though I hate the thought that I will be on camera, but that doesnt mean I would look like a haggard bitch for all others to view! This is so not going to happen lor! Anyway, I always have been on camera during Cikgu Tajul's lesson presentation.. so what's new with tomorrow??! haha..

Whatever it is, I pray to God to give me the strengths that I need and also pray that everything will proceed on smoothly. I am not going to be a coward and take MC just because I am nervous, scared and pressured. Even if I do make a mistake tomorrow, I will learn from it cos failure is the mother of success. Insya allah semuanya akan berjalan dengan lancar. Amin.

2008-07-12T09:04:00.002+08:00

Last Thursday, I had a very good cry. I could no longer sustain the amount of pressure that I was holding on. Many have said that TA isn't as stressful as TP. But in my case, I am going through hell. I simply hate it when people gave me last minute work, make me decide on what to do and after carefully thinking and planning, they threw out my ideas and hard work and used theirs'.

Last Thursday, everything came to the point where I could no longer took it anymore, thus explaining the abundant supply of tears that rolled down my cheeks. And, after that cry.. the situation couldn't got any better, when the sup e-mailed me to inform that she's coming down on Monday to observe my lesson. And, she'd picked the P3's! And, I am the first that she's so going to observed! And, on that day, I've the recording thingy! And, my CT is the one who loves doing last minute planning! What the F**K?!

I so hate what I am going through right now... Its another 2 weeks, I kept on telling myself. But, I still have a life to live on... I am not a slave driver! And I am so tired, simply put.

Yesterday, I had 6 periods of back to back lessons! And I was suddenly down with flu! And I am so sad that life has gone this way...

I pray and will continue to pray that everything will proceed on smoothly. Time will fly when you're having fun! Whatever the fun, I so going to lead myself on for the next 2 weeks, at least!

2008-07-09T18:06:00.002+08:00

The week is getting crazier as TA is approaching the final lap. Just got news that, I'll be video cam for one of my lessons! Please, spare me this agony!! I dun need the 30 minutes of stardom! And I so hate seeing myself on video! And if the video is Okay-ed, I am dead cos the whole teaching fraternity (primary) would see and laugh at me! Yeah, exactly like how I laughed at my former teachers and bro when I saw their video. All these are karma. What goes around, comes around. Upset.

So apart from that, work is piling up yet again. But today, I left school smiling at myself. Not that I'd gone bonkers or what but I am so relieved that at least I know my CTs and students appreciate my presence. The P4s still rawks my world and all the hard work designing the lessons paid off. Alhamdullilah.

Still wondering when will my supervisor come down for the observation.... and I'll activate my stress mode again! Haiz...

I am so stress!!!!!!

2008-07-08T17:20:00.002+08:00

Today, marks the beginning of the crucial 3 weeks. Today, I had the longest 5-7 minutes of fame in front of the "act-cute and able to laugh only" gals! Damn!

But, the 10 years old gals are more responsive and they like the PPT slides that I had prepared for them. Good for them and good for me! I'd really hope my supervisor will come in during my class with them. Really.

So, contact time was cancelled today (or perhaps never even in the plan)! That just spells happiness for us, trainees! I mean, out of the 100% that they share during those 2 hours plus, maybe only 1% is applicable to us. The rest... only God knows why we are there for!

Ok.. I am sleepy... 1 day down, 13 days to go!!!!!