Date:
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Time: 6:57:00 PM
Yesterday's post was quite an abrupt entry. Let me just further clarify the issue. Earlier, I've mentioned that I am quite happy and could do my revision with a clear mind. Yes, when I mentioned that in my earlier post, that was how I felt; no faking or lying but pure truth.
Somehow, when I start getting my arse moving, some matters crept up unexpectedly. And yes, from there everthing when haywire. Perhaps, the pressure was on me to perform this sem. And somehow, I lost track of when my exams was and I became panicky. When I became panicky, I ignore all that surrounds me. Then, my debit card ran into some problem though I wasn't in any need of cash nor was the account empty. But, when I am in a panicky state, I put the blame on everyone. In short, I just want to be alone without any human contact.
My body clock too went haywire. I was asleep when everyone is awake, and I am awake when everyone is asleep. Ok, I guess this happens all the time right? But because, I wasn't in any mood to talk or be in contact with anyone, I don't answer phone calls; whoever it may be. I only replied to sms-es; if its important.
I wasn't this panicky last semester though I can honestly say that last semester I did not study nor paid much attention in lectures as much as I did this year. Perhaps, its in me.. when I do understand a particular module/subject and start to develop some feelings for it, I will pressure myself to score well. And as a result, I became panicky.
Anyway, last night I was really facing an insurmountable amount of stress. Whatever I tried to put in my brain in the whatever empty slots available, nothing seemed to enter. I tried putting myself to sleep, but the mind was actively thinking about the exams. In the end, I cried myself to sleep. But, I did not have a peaceful sleep. I remembered waking up from my sleep at least twice (which I was conscious). And I dragged myself out of bed real early.
I was all ready by 7.30 am cos I had planned to do a real intensive revision while trying to enjoy my LJS breakfast. Btw, the paper was at 1 am. The LJS breakfast didn't do me any good actually. I was still upset. But, somehow.... lotsa info did managed to go into my head.
However, when I reached school... my head went blank. There wasn't any info on my head when friends asked for clarifications. I was mad at myself and wanted to cry again. But what good can those tears bring? I tried to calm myself, say some prayers and hope for the best.
A friend saw me before the paper starts. She asked me, " Are you nervous?" I was like, " Is it that obvious?" And she replied, "I can tell that you're nervous..."
That coming from a friend whom I seldom talk to shows how nervous I was. She assured me that I could do it. She assured me again when we were in the examination hall. And few others wished me luck. And, I need those luck very much. Thank you to those who have given me the strength to hold on today.
The paper was ok but I didn't have much time to write. I hope everything will be ok... A 'B' grade would be fine for me and it would be better if I can get a better grade. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Another paper for me to battle next week. Going to start revising tonight. I hope everything will be fine... and I am contemplating to cancel something cos I am disappointed with someone. Nuff said.
