Date: Friday, February 29, 2008
Time: 10:27:00 PM

I am feeling so shitty. Firstly, my assignment has yet to be completed. And that is not the only assignment left. Secondly, I have yet to do my readings. Thirdly, major changes in plans for the next three weeks. And back to school on Thursdays as a result. I wun make a fuss abt this issue cos I know my lecturer have his reasons and he's being a dedicated one at that. I'd still respect him though yes, I hate going to school for just an hour. I seriously wouldn't mind but I do mind hell of a lot for next week. But... well, I m mentally prepared anyway. So I better shut up!

Another issue. Yes, I am still thinking. I am not sure if I had said this before, but whatever is happening in my life right now is exactly the same as the book I have read during the holidays. The very first novel that I bought in KL for the year 2007. And, never in my dreams that I have ever thought that I would be in that kind of situation. But yes.. I am in that situation right now.

I just wanna let go cos what I am waiting for is not a certainty. But, I just can't let go of those memories. And.. there are other distractions as well. Ooh why do I have to know so many nice people all at once? But why is it that I am always too late?

I am just wondering if... the ending will be the same? And, if the ending is the same, what will I feel?

"Running away isn't gonna help. Letting it stagnate wouldn't improves things. So what should I do? "

Date: Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Time: 12:06:00 AM

Last night, he came by to disturb me. Yes, our "scandal" ended right before my KL trip last Dec. It has to end before I fell deeper into the 'net'. Furthermore, he was doing his final yr thesis and its only right that I do not disturb him. It was till yesterday everything started again.

Well, I least expected him to come back. But he came. But why should I cling on some hopes with him when by right I shouldn't. And chances are, we could never be together. Maybe because I am indebted to him for saving my life. Remember, how he saved me from being knocked down? And perhaps thats why he has a special place in my heart.

But I am trying to be good. Trying not to be the third party. But, its hard.

Bestfriend,

Honestly... I never want to lose you. I rather we remain as friends than we take this friendship a step further and should we are not meant to be we have to part. Never am I going to make that happen. You're too precious for me to let go. You brought laughters and joys into my life. Shall we just remain as friends? Cos, friends do not leave each other in the lurch. And, you know I won't do that to you no matter how you irritate me and I know you won't leave me struggling even if I irritate you all the time. That's why I say you're my Bestfriend!

*************************************

And so, I am still thinking about the latest issue. I kept asking myself, am I ready for it? I tried to visualise this issue. Somehow, I couldn't fit that person in my current lifestyle. I am still searching for the answer...

I still want to lead a life of independence. Going to and fro without having to "report", going somewhere with whom I wish, going somewhere with the bunch of guys whom I have known for so long, doing the things the way I like, spending my holidays with my adik, and sleep/wake up as and when I like. In short, I control my own life.

Being loved is a good feeling, But the hurt caused from playing with the fire of love has yet to fade. Ooh... these feelings are so shitty! Will I have the answer when it is due? Only God knows.

Date: Monday, February 25, 2008
Time: 12:35:00 PM

There is plenty that I wanna blog in this humble blog of mine. This blog and the previous blog is where I record all the important stuff during the past 4 years. And, reading up all the previous posts makes me feel melancholic.

Ok, the point here is not to be melancholic. I just want to sey this... I am confused.

I know whatever happened has happened. Its only right that I should let go of all that emotional baggage that's left in me. But it was hard.

Let me recap.. When we called it off about 3 years ago, I had a hard time recovering from that heartbreak. He, whom I trusted and believed was the one who will never hurt me the way the previous one has done, did just the same. He betrayed my trust. Hurt me real hard and took me a long time to recover.

Perhaps, I did some wrong in that relationship. Perhaps, he couldn't accept the fact that I moves around a whole lot of guys. I mean, majority of my friends were guys because I feel more comfortable with them. No bitching around among friends, no backstabbing.

And during that moments in 2003, I knew there were about 2-3 guys who tried to break us up. But, I was honest and told him what was happening. But I guess, over a period of time, he couldn't take it anymore, and do what jerks do. He betrayed my trust. And it was on New Year's 2005 that we finally closed that chapter.

Since then, my life was as good as crushed. But thanks to the beautiful people in my life, their encouragements and support, I finally got up on my feet and start to live my life again independently in mid 2006.

But, truth to be told, my heart is already locked. I am not going to accept anyone anymore. I am disappointed with guys.

But, it was mid 2006 that things began to change, D tried to match make me with his second son, I met 'C', 'N' and in Oct 2006, I met 'P'. P's bestie was trying to match make us.

Somehow, I finally decided to fall for 'C'. But did not think beyond relationship or marriage. It was in 2007 that life really took a turn for something memorable. Though I was crazy about 'C', he too upsets me because he had to leave Singapore. But he was still sweet, with all the things that he had done.

Anyway, exactly a year ago, I confessed to my bestie that I have given up on men. And that confession led to a 5 months scandal with him. Things came abruptly to an end when I had another scandal with the other bestie. It lasted for another 5 months. Till before my KL trip.

Why did I say scandals? Because, both were in a relationship. With someone who they knew after me. And, of course.. they being my bestie wouldn't want me to be upset. They tried to help me regain my confidence albeit the wrong way.

Ok, I may sounds bad, cheap, ridiculous or whatever adjectives you can describe me. But, I was still sober. We had a clean scandal. And I always reminded them of their relationships. So, in the end... we called it off and life was back to normal.(Btw, my besties do not know each other.)

Anyway, I did not write this to boast about my scandals. Its just that I am feeling disturb. I am trying to be rational about the whole issue.

I have said my piece.

Date: Friday, February 22, 2008
Time: 10:21:00 PM

Everything has came to an end. And, I am one happy lady. My job is done and my life is back to normal yet again. But then again, it will be officially be completed once I submit my project file and tie up all the loose ends.

And, as I try to keep myself awake, I'll make this blog a short one. I am going to settle on my project and submit it once recess week is over!

Date: Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Time: 12:02:00 AM

I know its already morning. 12.03 am to be exact. But the thought that I am in school for only 2 hours later in the morning, might as well post a decent blog. It had been 5 days since I last blog. Its not that there was nothing exciting happening. Plenty but yeah, blogging has once again taken a back seat with assignments datelines and presentations due in the upcoming weeks.

First up, this sem has been the slackest term ever. Its so relax compared to the last. Cancellations of lectures, tutorials.. you name it. And for all we know, its another 5 more weeks before the semester ends and exams will come its way.

Handed in my very first official assignment for the year. No confidence in it. Not at all. Well, hope it should be somewhere on the B grade, if not A... pretty purlease... my only English module this sem!

I would not want to digress on other matters but I want to bring up this interesting fact.

To the both of you, God was being fair. God made me cried my hearts out for all the things you have done to me. But when you thought that success was already in the bag, God showed the way. He wanted me to have the last laugh. He wanted the both of you to remember that I am still here living happily and that incident makes me even happier.

I am grateful and thankful to God for what he have done. Miracles do happen. And when it does, it always help those who had suffered in silent.

As I turn 25 in about 2 weeks' time, I always remind myself to ponder upon what Adik told me one Sunday afternoon. His shirt was dirty from the dripping ice-cream and I was frustrated with him. But, nonchalantly he told me this, " Nanti suruh mak adik cuci, k?" (Later, I will get my mum to wash it off, alright?)

Adik shown me the fact that, there is always a solution to a problem. There is no point in getting angry or frustrated over something cos there is always an answer to it. Even if it doesn't come immediately, just wait and be patient.

These days, I have been trying my best to curb my otherwise well-known hot temperedness. I would have blast at that arrogant, cocky woman at Banquest on Sunday evening, but I remained calm. I could shouted at some people for making me pissed, but I did not. And, all thanked to Adik for waking me up.


I have plenty more to learn.. and with each day, I hope to be a better person.

P/s: Pardon my grammar and spelling mistakes. The assignments have caused me to vandalise my blog with all these errors. Hohoho!

Date: Thursday, February 14, 2008
Time: 12:03:00 AM

I have never been sick for a long period before, other then chicken pox of course. But currently, I have been nursing the worst flu ever. It had been more than two weeks and I am still trying to recuperate from it.

And, I hate the sneezing part cos it makes my throat, nose and head goes haywire. I should have just take a MC and just get my freaking body to pause. But what choice do I have? Presentations are all lined up one after another.

And today, the debate session was on. With my hurting throat, I went on with the debate. One of my crap presentation I guess. Haiz.. It had been a long while since I last debated and the signs were prominently there. Whatever. It's over.

Another assignment is due next week. Another long night to battle...

**********************

I may be turning a quarter of a century in 3 weeks' time. But, I do not need a reminder on that way in advanced. I've received my advanced birthday gift today. A card with vouchers that tempt me to shop till I drop!

But before that... just let me recuperate b4 the big 25!

Date: Friday, February 8, 2008
Time: 10:53:00 PM

I hope everything is fine for you over there. I've understand everything. Waiting for your return soon.

Date: Thursday, February 7, 2008
Time: 10:35:00 PM

Of late, I am emotionally disturbed. Somehow, all the tears just couldn't wait to stream down my cheeks. All the memories start coming back like there is no tomorrow. Why is this happening? Don't ask me cos I do not have the answer.

Of late, I kept on thinking about 'C', the guy who had left an impact on me. It had been a year since he left Singapore (and me as well, like duh?!). How I miss his smiles, his dimples, his huge eyes, his pinkish face, his touch, his winks and everything else about him. I also miss the times I had with him.

A short span of a year yet so many sweet memories together. So many stories to share, meeting with his parents and many more.

Why did he have to return to HQ? If he had not leave, I wouldn't either. But I know, he's happy and glad that I was doing something that benefits myself and perhaps the future generations.

I am just wondering... with 7 days more to go... will he be in town to surprise me again like what he did last year? 15th Feb 2007, sweet memories. Or will he be back to surprise me on my Birthday?

Even if you can't come back, I wouldn't mind honestly. But an e-mail from you will do the trick. I am contented if you could just drop me an e-mail, cos the most expensive gift in the world is nothing compared to your e-mail. Remember how you touched my heart when you chose to ignore 499 other e-mails in your inbox just to answer to mine? I know your time is precious esp in miserable London. And, I couldn't pay you a visit this year as planned due to changes in plans. I know I am selfish.. but I am really sorry cos I have neglected the people around me for a long long time and its time to spend a lil time with them.

Why don't you just come back to sunny and interesting Singapore once again? Remember what I told you? The doors of my country is always open for you should you think London is harsh to you. And of course, the doors of my heart is still open for you.

I miss you terribly and please come back to make me a happy lady!

Date: Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Time: 11:15:00 PM

I hope... by posting this entry, it helps to get rid of all the nonsensical stuff weighing heavily on my mind.

Ever since I passed by his workplace in the wee hours of this morning, all the shitty feelings crept in! Urgh...!

I dunno.. just dunno. WHY? cos somehow that place brought back fond memories.......yes?

Date:
Time: 11:10:00 AM

This sem's e-learning week has been quite a breeze. Especially when, it was declared e-learning week so as to ease the inconvenience of finding a day of make-up lessons. I would rather be in school than sitting in front of my lappie churning whatever assignments that have to be completed. At least, when you're in school, you can sit thru lectures and daydream and nobody cares. Whatever it is, I do welcome this sem's e-learning week because it gave me a space to breathe and not to forget gave me the time to complete all the assignments before it starts piling up again. Haha..

So last night, I went to Pasir Panjang Wholesale Centre. It had been a while since I last went there. The last being 7 years ago when we Pre-U 1 students had to go there for our fun night! Like what fun was there? Hmmz...

I was there again last night to accompany my friend to snap photos for her art project. It was so dead given that CNY's eve was around the corner. But, well.. we didnt come back empty handed. Read this, especially those of you who loves eating your meals outside. What we saw last night, makes us think twice about eating the food prepared by this particular group of people!

Alright, we saw a group of "mapleks" picking up unsold vegetables, dried goods and whatever that can benefit them! Its the kind of you know, unsold and unwanted goods left lying all over the floor and bins, roadsides and anywhere else you can find to dump ur goods?

Just imagine, these freeloaders had a field day picking up these items and the next morning serving it to you for your meals. As innocent and naive that we customers are, we tuck into the 'fresh' food without realising where the sources had came from! So, if you wanna eat out, be careful cos you'd never know how 'clean' your food sources are!

So after about 2 hours of photo taking, we went on a mission to search for a supper place. Suddenly, the mind went blank and couldn't think of a place to eat. The three of us just drove to where ever place we can sit down and eat. We ended up at KTM, yet again (had dinner there last Friday). But, the food left was kinda pathetic and most shops were almost closing. And so we thought that KTM was supposedly a 24 hours makan place! And somewhat, we were disappointed.

We left and headed to Sakunthala at Serangoon. Yeah, if you know me... I am no fan of Indian Food. And, after what happpened earlier at the wholesale centre, I was even sceptical about eating Indian Food again.

But, I gave in cos I have been dying to eat thosai for a while now and thosais are normally sold in the morning. And, yes.. I did have my thosai. Ok, quite nice cos the thosai was crisp, the way I like my thosai. And the food was alright cos I am not so fussy about Indian food as long as I have nice gravy and the food done to my liking, I have no complains.

And, I reached home at about 2.15 am. Continued with some readings before the bed started calling real hard. And, it was suppposedly a good night sleep before a bunch of idiots and their teachers from a nearby neighbourhood school came and create a hoohas outside my corridor. I was awakened by them and had the urge to gave them a piece of my mind but I managed to control my anger and got back to sleep.

Date: Sunday, February 3, 2008
Time: 4:18:00 PM

Date:
Time: 1:42:00 PM

Fingers itching to blog. But the mind is super duper tired. I guess I've had the least number of sleep of late. Let's recap:

Monday(28/01): slept at 12 am till 5.55 am [5 hrs 55 mins]
Tuesday (29/01): slept at 6.30 pm till 4.30 am [10 hrs]
Wednesday (30/01): slept at 2 am till 6.30 am [4.5 hrs]
Thursday (31/01): slept at 5.30 pm till 9 pm and 5 am till 8.00 am [6.5 hrs]
Friday (01/02): slept at 2 am till 8.30 am [6.5 hrs]
Saturday (02/02): slept at 3.30 am till 9.45 am [6 hrs 15 mins]

Total recommended hours: 8 X 6 = 48 hrs
Total hours slept = 39.6 hrs

Hence, I guess I missed about a day's sleep! My brain is really tired and I dun feel like doing anything. I am just so tired trying to tie up all the loose ends! Yikes!

Can I do something different today, please?

Date: Saturday, February 2, 2008
Time: 12:38:00 AM

Sometimes, you just drives me crazy! Haiz...

Today, someone smtg unpleasant happened. Just so weird la, the person you never expect to meet crosses your path. And, the funny part was.. when someone who happened to be your former superior is starting at the company where your reputation is already established. That's how weird life is.

And, he pretended not to know me. Hurhur.. but please, I have this type of memory where I still remember things albeit it's not worth remembering it. But, I know.... you feeled ashamed to meet me today. I am sorry that it had to happen. I never meant to embarrassed you but well, when you're in this line, the world is so small.

I messaged the best bitch about it. Him being him, came up with all the lame and nonsensical jokes which I swear if he was besides me, I would have whacked him real hard! Like please, the one who had a crush on me then was you and not him. Remember when you tried to make me happy after my quarrel with him? Remember that was how we became super duper close? Haha.. seeing him does not mean bringing back nostalgic memory betw him and me. Rather, betw you and me! Ok, whatever!